The following are the last two journal entries I wrote… Yes they may seem like they were written by two different people, but I was in two different head spaces when I wrote them.
Wednesday 4/11/18
Hey Papa,
Thank you for never wavering in your love for me! You continually amaze me in the way you choose to show your love. It really shouldn’t surprise me that you love me even when I don’t love myself, but it does every time i get a taste of your great love.
Help me to truly grasp the depth of your love for not only me but for all of your children. Give me your heart for them! Break my heart for what breaks yours!
Help me to believe in myself and the gifts you have given to me. I know the gifts you have given to me matter to The Kingdom, but I struggle to know what my gifts are and how they can be used to glorify you?
You are so magnificent and I don’t even know where to begin in communicating that to others.
I feel like such a failure Papa!
I feel like I am failing you because I come to you continually to ask you for help with things that you have already given me the tools to walk in freedom with.
I feel like I am my family and friends back home because I am not putting my all in (at all times) to being here and they are they ones who have made it possible for me to be here.
I feel like I am failing my Squad because I don’t always have the greatest attitude about everything and am not the best at choosing in during the hard times or when someone does something to hurt me. I don’t love and pursue them like they continually do for me.
I feel like I am failing myself because I am still not walking in the freedom I have in you… and because if I’m failing everyone else, how can I not be failing myself?
You are a good good father – help me to believe and feel this in the deepest part of my being!
The only way I am going to be able to get through this is with you by my side.
I can only love your children when I love myself, so Papa help me to love myself the way you love me, Help me to see myself the way you see me.
I long and desire to for your love to not only fill my life, but for it to overflow into every interaction I have!
I LOVE you so stinkin’ much Pappa and I thank you for loving me!
From session right after worship
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What is the #1 reason why I am here?
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I was born to be loved by him
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We are loved by an everlasting love
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Until I truly believe that I was born to be loved, I can’t truly love anyone else
Talk about being exactly what I needed to hear!! – Thanks Andrew Shearman!!
This journal entry is one I wrote this morning after waking up to an email about how our final fundraising deadline is only 2.5 weeks away and I am $4,697 from that deadline and it seems so daunting to be able to get there in the 2.5 weeks that I have!
Thursday 4/12/18
Good Morning Papa,
Thank you so much for giving me another day here in Thailand. I am so grateful that you chose me to go out into the nations and share about you and all that you have to offer to this lost and hurting world. You have already done some pretty great and amazing things in me and I know you’re not done yet & I thank you for that.
As I sit here on my bed in Chiang Mai Thailand I want to ask you to give me a very clear direction on how I am to move forward in fundraising the remaining $4,697 for my Race. I ask that you would give me the next step in what I need to do and then continue to reveal what else I need to do throughout today.
I know you have so much more to show me on The Race, but I can’t experience all that you have for me if I’m not here. I have to believe you’re not done with me yet! We’re in the middle of this journey and I want to see it through until the very end!
As you begin to reveal to me my next steps, I ask that you would begin to release the funds that you have already designated not only for my Race, but for every Racer that is still not at their final goal! The funds are already there, but we need you to release those funds. I pray that as we take steps of obedience, you would provide us with what we need.
You are a good good good father and I an grateful everyday that you chose me and call me yours!
As I was journaling this morning I was listening to Cory Asbury on Spotify and these two lyrics spoke so deeply to me and where I am currently at!!
From Water and Dust
“Just don’t lose heart
He’s got your hand
Don’t lose heart, child
He knows your name
And when everything is falling apart
Don’t lose heart”
From Born Again
“And in the quiet pride of my Father’s eyes
I remember who I am
And when I feel the warmth of my Father’s smile
Feels like I’ve been born again”
If you’ve made it all the way to the end of this blog, thank you so much for reading through all of that jumbled mess!!
I want to ask each and everyone of you who read this blog to spend some time in prayer and really ask God if he wants you to donate to my Race (I don’t want it to scare you that I said I wasn’t putting my all in here, because from this point on I am choosing to be all in no matter what! I am choosing to press in during the hard times and the good ones! I am choosing to love and pursue my team and squad the way the love and pursue me!). No amount is too small to make an impact!
God will not only bless me through whatever donations are received, but he will be able to use me to bring his love to the nations… and he will bless you in your obedience to doing what he has asked of you!
I seriously love all of you so much and am beyond grateful for all of the love and support you have shown me on this journey!!
<3 Kimberly
