These past five days have completely changed my life and perception of love and brought into the light that we can not wait for perfection to approach the throne. Being bold in such requires humility, sacrifice. While I can’t share pictures of these amazing smiles and I can’t share names, four days is more than enough time to change a life and show someone what real love looks like.
Our team met an amazing woman in Belém, Brazil who referred us to a wonderful Sister in Manaus, where we were able to serve at a home and educational center for girls who are neglected, abused, abandoned, daughters of traffickers – and more. Even in the midst of their pain, they light up the darkest room with a true Father’s love and their action makes you want to, need to reciprocate it. And I love them with all of my being, every single one. And I know the love I have for them is real – but I’m battling with something so connected and intertwined, it makes me question the most beautiful things.
I’ve wondered for months how to even begin to broach this struggle I’ve been processing and working through. I find it hard to articulate the inmost parts of myself, so bear with me and believe what I’ve been telling myself : vulnerability breeds vulnerability.
So here goes part one on reconnecting the head God and heart God ; let’s first start with an explanation of what I’ve deemed the head God and heart God and offer some context for you, my dearest readers. Even if this obstacle resounds in only one person, I pray it brings encouragement to all.
In most situations, I tend toward emotional responses ; that is to say I’m more a feeler than a thinker for those of you who are aware of the Meyers Briggs personality test. Over the past two years, however, my most intimate and personal relationships have been with people who are more strongly geared toward feeling than I. As a lover and seeker of balance, I’ve seen a trend of logic kicking in and taking over, especially in stress and anxiety.
I’d go so far as to say in stress, I trust emotions even less than normal, knowing the heart is a wellspring and is meant to be guarded [Proverbs 4:23] because it can be swayed. In this self-preservation and defensive mindset, I harden my heart and become ruled by thought – words winding their way around every crack in my brain, filling my veins with the Lord’s truths as well as the lies from the enemy and the world. I analyze and re-analyze, quieting the whispers of my heart begging just for the simplicity of love that is the Gospel, only causing the shell around my heart to grow thicker.
As it frequently does, this cycle perpetuates itself and I find my heart more calloused and closed off, less compassionate to those around me and less forgiving of my own sins. This heart situation comes as a heavy burden in realizing it also means something else.
Try as I might, if I have walked out of love and emotion, I find it hard to receive God’s love. In my heart, I cannot trust that He cherishes me – but in my head, I see the unshakeable, undeniable truth that He painted the skies. I know there is logically and definitely no explanation for this world excepting our Mighty King. But I don’t feel it. It’s the most lonely I ever feel ; it’s like a living, walking, constant nightmare from which I’m begging to wake.
It’s a terrifying feeling, knowing I’ve closed my heart to the One who saves, redeems and loves without ceasing nor condition. And it’s a hard cycle to break, hard to reconnect the trickling stream that flows between the head and the heart.
“From the head to the heart / you take me on a journey / of letting go / and getting lost in you…there’s no shame / in looking like a fool / when I give you what I can’t keep / and take a hold of you.”
There is freedom in those words, liberation in letting go and releasing your need to control. Surrendering completely.
I think of the difference between the head God and the heart God to be similar to knowing God versus knowing about Him. You can know the Word like the back of your hand, but unless it is in your heart, you lack personal investment in the building of the Kingdom and this side of Heaven. When you personally know Jesus, you know love, because God is love. It’s the contrast between working for Him and living for Him.
To say I currently battle with feeling my heart God isn’t to say it’s the same struggle for all ; I know plenty of people who live in a constant intimate relationship with the Lord but maybe hit a rut when it comes to the knowledge of Him. When I first encountered Christ, I was very much in that spot ; I lived for Him with everything I was. My days were full of choosing joy and abandoning control and fear, but I didn’t know about God, I didn’t know His Word and therefore, my relationship with Him wasn’t sustainable. I was only seeing a piece of Him.
This purpose of this series is to delve into the head God and the heart God, bringing in different perspectives and trying to work out a process of sorts to reconnect the two in perfect unity. I’d say that’s a little bit what every follower of Christ lives to do on a daily basis – to love the Lord our God with all of our heart, body, soul and mind [Matthew 22:37]
**Stay tuned for thoughts and words from my squad mates on this topic. I’m also extending an invitation to all of you – readers, strangers, parents – to my brothers and sisters ; send me any thoughts you have on the head God and the heart God. Struggle with something similar ? Disagree ? Tell me why : [email protected] with the subject The Head God and the Heart God OR comment below !
As always, praise and blessings, all glory to the King.
#11n11 #praise
