I’m a control freak. Let’s just get it out there. It is one of my biggest weaknesses. I’m also pretty scatterbrained [I’ll attribute that to a creative mind], so my life seemed made for chaos. I was used to it and grew accustomed to dealing with the tumultuous waves of emotions, drama – whatever rolled my way – and expecting nothing less. My “peace” was locking myself in my room and escaping in any and every way I could, each distraction more detrimental to me than the previous.
I fought for a good 22 years to hide myself from the Lord’s goodness and His will until He finally became the option – He was my last resort, my final option when I hit my rock bottom at the beginning of 2013. I was lost and my life was scattered, shattered in pieces all around me. I gave into the deepest depression I’ve ever known and was ruled by anxiety and daily despair. And I would cry every night to fall asleep – until one night, months later – instead of crying for my brokenness because of my choices, I cried out. I yelled and pleaded to God, I prayed until my sobs became ragged and hollow and until I was choking on my sin and guilt. I pounded my fists on the ground, pulled at my hair, rocked back and forth and bowed my head, ashamed by how worthless I had been convinced I was.
And then I felt it. Nothing but a whisper of a breeze, as gentle as the first layer of fresh snow on the ground and as incomparably beautiful as the darkness of a midnight sky, lit up with His stars. I was breathless, speechless. But suddenly, the Holy Spirit spoke promise over me – an unbreakable vow to protect me, to redeem me, to love me.
I blinked away the last tears, in shock. I knew right then my life was forever changed. The journey to accepting His grace and learning about Him and developing a relationship with the Father is far from over. It took me months to learn about the Lord’s character and His feelings for me when I first accepted Christ as my personal Lord and Savior and every day I learn something new about His truths. Even longer still, that He created us as relational beings and that fellowship and community were integral parts of my walk, our walk.
I made my public profession of faith, love and dedication to the Lord when I was baptized, 07/27/2014 and even since then this has been a wild ride. And I love that – with nearly every part of my being – but my human nature does interfere, as it does with everyone.
Control is something I’ve always struggled with and a lot of that stems from my past and experiences that were out of my control. It’s my safety blanket, but it’s a dangerous comfort food, because it so often interferes with the Lord’s plan for our lives and threatens to suffocate us.
In a nutshell, here is the last year and a half of my life :
- June 2014 : I prayed on my next steps and the Lord put grad school on my heart. I sorted this out and was ready to travel across the country come August.
- August 2014 : I feel unrest about grad school. God gives a sister of Christ a vision of me that is a straight up slap of clarity and I am Kansas-bound – terrified but with no doubts about this step.
- I relocate to Kansas and get plugged into the church I was part of growing up. Within two weeks I am volunteering weekly, leading an all-girls life group and starting a new job.
- Spring comes and the Communications Minister at my church takes me out to lunch and mentions the World Race. I’m interested, but ignore the butterflies in my stomach when I think about it.
- I toy with the idea of applying to the Race. One day, I am spiritually lead to apply for the race and am accepted in May 2015 for the first ever Expedition Route, traveling to 11 countries in the 10/40 window. I go to training camp in October and fall in love with my team.
- Training camp ends early for me after a discussion with the leadership about the tender place the Lord has me in. I am moved to August Expedition Route, 10 months away.
- I struggle with bitterness and confusion for the next two months, so focused on MY plans and my own will. The Lord overwhelms me with His truth and pursuit of my obedience and trust.
- I’m presented with two job opportunities within my company – one with prospect of more financial stability but that interferes with the Race and the other with less money, but more geared toward my passions. I quiet my logic and open my heart for the Holy Spirit’s guidance.
And that’s where I am. I’m still confused, but God has plans to finish the good work in me that He started so long ago. My Father is walking by my side, eager to turn each corner with me and discover the next steps. He’s not playing games, He’s playing for keeps – even if I have to remind myself of it daily.
He is asking me to press into this mystery. To press into the hurts of my past and the healing of His hands. He is inviting me to experience Him and His love in ways I never dreamed. The Lord isn’t asking me to have clarity about my future, but instead to trust what He has in store. He’s asking for all of me, not just most of me. So I will pray and I will fight and I will make mistakes – and He will forgive me, time after time, for being imperfect, because I am nothing without Him.
Today is the day to relinquish every hold I’ve convinced myself I have on my future. Just because I’m not in control doesn’t mean the end of the world. It means the beginning of a new life, where my burdens are lighter and my path is a delicious discovery at every step.
Thanks for keeping me on my toes, Father. You’re the best and I will forever give you all of the glory and praise.
#praise #Exped2016 #13n11 #corriesrace #watchoutworld #surrender #letgo
