I’ve been challenged with the notion that I keep a lot of things to myself.
I don’t let people in.
Well, not completely.
Into the mess and uncertainty that is the unfinished work of the Lord.
To allow people to see the process.
To see the struggles.
To see the testing and the trials.
To see the attempts.
The setbacks.
The lessons learned.
The triumphs.
To see me.
All of me.
Not just the parts I choose to share, because they are safe, resolved, and wrapped up perfectly in a nice package with a bow. Finally ready to be presented.
For those who have walked closely with me over the years, you have been given access and permission to enter in and take a tour of my life.
But what does it look like to open up that back room?
To show you the cluttered closet or the mess I didn’t have time to deep clean?
Or to bring you in full view of the painting propped up in the corner of the room, only half done, that I still can’t decide what it will look like once finished?
Maybe it’s not for me to know yet.
Maybe that is OK.
A year ago, the Lord began to reveal His plan for me to leave Adventures in Missions.
I want to take some time to share with you all my process of letting go.
I wish I could tell you it was a quick and easy process for me, but the reality is it took time.
And constant prayer.
And consulting with trusted advisors.
And wrestling with the Lord.
And a lot of tears.
But through it, my hope is you see God’s love, patience, grace, goodness and faithfulness.
January 8, 2019
“We’re about to release routes for January 2020 on our webpage. Participant numbers are down and because of that we will be decreasing the number of routes by 1.”
It was Day 1 of Q Squad’s World Race.
My squad of 21 participants and 4 alumni leaders hadn’t even arrived at their first ministry locations yet in Honduras, when our WR Director, Bill, pulled the January mentors into the room to personally give us the news.
“The reality is, it’s still a year away and we don’t need to know what this means for us all now,” he continued, “but I wanted you to hear it from me personally before you saw it go live online and wondered.”
As we all sat around the table, I heard that still small voice whisper to me, “How would you feel if it was you?”
An inexplicable peace came over me as I pondered the thought for the first time.
January 15th, 2019
“I was thinking it was you too.” My roommate, Stephanie, told me as we discussed the meeting the following week and I shared what I thought I heard from the Lord. “You came to my mind immediately when he said that!”
“I’m definitely going to pray about it, but the good news is, I don’t have to decide anything today,” I replied.
“…Or for a year.” Steph grinned at me.
It’s that look she gives me whenever we don’t really want to dwell for too long on something serious or that will make us sad.
February 28, 2019
“What? NO!” Beka, my supervisor, cried out over our video call, as I shared with her from Costa Rica the thought I’d been wrestling with now for over a month.
“I mean, I’m not sure and I haven’t really prayed about it, but I wanted to put it on your radar just in case you and Bill start discussing who this might affect for next year.”
“Ok. I guess that’s fair. Thanks for letting me know. We can discuss it more once you’re home.”
May 24, 2019
“Where you go I go, and where you stay I will stay.” I copied Ruth 1:16 into my journal as I sat at a waterfront table in Albufeira, Portugal, contemplating my options and journaling my thoughts.
Lord, I’m not sure if I’m supposed to leave AIM or keep going. I know that I would continue to learn and grow, but I also believe I will continue to learn and grow no matter where I am.
I’m afraid of not moving solely out of fear for the unknown. I don’t want to be stagnant.
If you tell me, Papa, to move I will. If you desire for me to stay, I will remain. My deepest desire is to remain in Your Presence and within Your will for me.
“I am never too early nor too late. Things are unfolding in my time,” I felt the Lord say as I wrote down every word I received.
“I know you. Your heart. Your thought process. I knew exactly when I needed to give you the desires so that you would trust them and me and pursue them in the right timing.
You want to have everything figured out and guaranteed before you move or say yes; but I don’t work that way and that requires very little faith.
You must trust me and walk by faith, not by sight.”
June 9, 2019
“I don’t know what to do.” I admitted, sitting at the dining room table with my roommates.
We were celebrating my birthday a day early to coincide with their off day from the World Race training camp they were all in the middle of working.
“I love mentoring. I love working for Adventures in Missions. I love getting to travel and disciple participants. I’m afraid of making the wrong decision.”
“God sees your heart,” my roommate Megan chimed in, “He loves you and knows your desire is to serve Him. The truth is He trusts you with this decision, because either way, it’s ministry. He’s going to bless it if you stay and continue to mentor and serve Him here, and He’s going to bless it if you choose to leave and serve Him elsewhere.”
“It’s like I’m on a high ropes course,” I said as I explained the vision the Lord was downloading to me in real time. “There’s a thin wire I’m standing on and one above me with ropes hanging down intermittently and I have to grab them as I go to make my way across. I’m somewhere in the middle, suspended in the air and I’m trying to reach for the next rope, but I feel like it’s just out of reach.”
That’s when I heard Him speak so clearly. “You have to let go of the rope in your hand before you’ll be able to reach the next one.”
June 15, 2019
But Lord, are you sure?
I sat curled up in my favorite armchair in my house, holding back tears, trying to further process the vision He had given me just a week prior.
It was as if I could see myself in this scenario, frozen on the wire, suspended mid-air, staring at the rope in my tightly gripped hands.
Lord, I love this rope.
“I know you do, but it’s time.”
At this point I’d been wrestling with the decision for the better part of 5 months. It felt like the moment He told me to let go was the moment I dug my heels in. I guess it made it more real, and I really didn’t want to let mentoring go.
Well what is the next rope?
Am I going to like it?
How do I know I’ll even reach it?
“Revealing that now requires zero faith. You’re not trusting me.”
Ouch.
Instant conviction.
You’re right.
I then began visualizing myself letting go. First, with one hand and a small shuffle forward on the wire below me. Then, my second hand releases its grip. I then imagine myself trying to take a step, and I’m overcome by fear as the thought flashes through my head of my foot slipping beneath me.
“Your security is not in that rope.” He interrupts my thought before I can finish contemplating the “what if” in that scenario.
“Your ultimate security is in me. I’m your harness. Even when you let go, I still have you. Put your full weight into me.”
July 18th, 2019
Lord, I know what I need to do, but in my heart I’m still not there.
I’m standing outside Adventures in Missions, on the dining patio, tears starting to come as I listen to over 100 Gap Year World Racers praising the Lord with all they have just inside the doors on their last night of Training Camp.
This is why I mentor.
For moments like this.
When tiny flames ignite into raging fires for Jesus.
I’m not sure I really want to give this up.
“I want to bless you, my daughter, and answer other prayers for you. But I can’t do it while you’re still in this current season and role. You must let go, so that I can fulfill other promises.”
August 1, 2019
“Beka, I’ve been avoiding Bill. I know I need to tell him, but it’s like every time I see him, I want to run the other way.”
“You know that as your supervisor, you can just tell me and be done with it, right?”
“Oh wow, you’re right…”
“…”
“…”
“OK. I’m officially releasing it. I won’t take a squad next year! … wait!!! Ugh. OK.”
“Final answer?” Beka jokes, smiling at me.
“Final answer.”
The full weight of those words coming out simultaneously with a deep exhale.
We’ve known this was coming for a while, but I’m so thankful she gave me the space and permission to release Mentoring in my own time.
“So, as far as an end date, would I be able to stay through my squad’s ‘Project Searchlight’ in January?”
That would be Q Squad’s “Final” Final Debrief back in the US to process re-entry and their transition home.
“Yes, of course. That’s pretty customary.”
“Ok great. Thank you.”
“I’m really proud of you,” she said as we embraced for a long time.
I walked out of her office, feeling the beautiful tension of complete peace, but also deep sadness.
And the process of releasing officially began…
