I don’t know where it came from. It just appeared one day, like a scar I couldn’t recall getting.
I couldn’t have been more than 4 or 5 years old. I just remember standing in front of the floor length mirror in our house unable to catch my breath, heaving deep sobs, trying to wipe the tears from my cheeks.
“I’m ugly!” I said, as I scrutinized my body and appearance from head to toe. “I’m ugly.” Over and over and over again, believing it a bit more every time it rolled off my tongue.
Where did that word even come from? How had I come to believe it as truth in my life?
Certainly not from my parents. I was (and still am) blessed to have been raised in a healthy, loving home, where I was brought up to know my value and self-worth and to know without question, I am loved.
But where had that seed been planted? And why did it hold me so captive?
I still remember vividly, the day I sat at lunch, in fourth grade and heard it spoken over me again. I was new at school having just moved into the area and I as sat there trying to eat my sandwich, I heard a boy ask another classmate, “Who is she?” “I don’t know, she’s new.” “She’s ugly!” he said as he made eye contact with me. My eyes quickly darted down to my lunch box, pretending I hadn’t heard him. “It must be true.” I chewed on those words and swallowed them down with that bite of my sandwich.
That four letter word has held me captive in a way that nobody around me knew or understood. A deep seeded insecurity I carried with me into friendships and relationships but held so close to my heart, most people didn’t see it.
I “fell from grace” as I refer to it now, in high school when I was no longer accepted by the “in crowd.” All my striving to be included was being met with a rejection I could only justify as being “not good enough,” which in my heart I believed to be based on my looks.
It’s hard to accept compliments when you can’t believe them yourself. I’m working on that. I’ve learned to say “thank you” and just receive instead of meet it with a counter argument about how I didn’t have time to fix my hair or put on lipstick that day.
Do you ever think to yourself, “I don’t belong here?” “There has to be more to this story.” or “I must be made for something more than this?”
I do. All the time.
It wasn’t until I found God that I understood what it was I had been made for. He had begun to speak truth into my life and He’d given me a voice to speak it over others.
There are so many girls out there believing the lies they have been told. You are ugly. You are not worthy. You won’t find love or acceptance.
Or how about in the countries I will journey to next year? There are women and little girls being told they are nothing more than objects or the possessions of men. Bought and sold daily with little to no hope for a future outside of the small room they are held captive in.
You see, God has revealed something truly special to me.
I am beautiful.
Not because of how I fixed my hair that morning, or how much mascara I applied, but because I am His.
He created me. In His image and likeness!
I’m no longer a captive to the lie.
When you see me, what do you see?
My hope is that you will see Him. Because He is love, unconditional love.
Now, when I look in the mirror I see a woman “Clothed in strength and dignity, who laughs without fear of the future.” (Proverbs 31:25) You see, God’s got me! In the palm of His hand! I’m never alone and I can look forward to my future in Him!
But wait! It gets better in the next verse!! “She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.” (Proverbs 31:26) If I’ve learned anything from this, it’s how much our words have the power to bring life or death, to lift someone up or tear them down. Be mindful of the words you speak, over yourself and over others!
My prayer is that I will speak hope and life over those I meet along the way.
So, to all the women in my life and to those I’ve yet to meet, I will leave you with this:
You are BEAUTIFUL. You are WORTHY. You are ACCEPTED. You are LOVED.
