I think there is a common misconception about missionaries or Christians in general. “They don’t have problems.” I’ve heard people claim that Christians think they’re perfect and have it all together. It’s truthfully just the opposite, we struggle just as much if not more than non believers. We have a larger target on our back because Satan feels threatened by us. The difference and reassurance is , that WHEN (not if) these problems arise we have Jesus who will walk with us through it all. He will take our pain and our burdens and help us in our troubles. And he wants to! He is waiting for each of us to drop off our load and trust him to take care of things.
This has been hard for me to remember this month. This past 6 weeks or so have been the hardest spiritually of my race and of my life. Spiritual warfare is very real. It’s been dark and gloomy and I’ve felt entirely alone. Satan has lied to me, stolen my joy, filled me evil thoughts and hung a black cloud over my head. And I let him. I felt to weak to fight him, so I let him win. Over and over and over… I let my circumstances affect my attitude. As a result I would become angry. I would mistreat my peers, and be harsh with myself. Satan had me in chains that I imagined would of held Goliath. And I could not budge. I seldom had good days, but there were a few. Most of the time I isolated myself and wallowed in my misery. I would let the enemy’s lies consume me and I would believe them. At some points I even questioned my salvation and being a missionary. What kind of missionary has these thoughts? What kind of Christian acts like this or treats people this way? I was mad at myself, my team, and God for doing this to me.
“Don’t let your atmosphere change your spirit, let your spirit change your atmosphere. “
But God didn’t DO anything to me. I look back and think maybe he did it FOR me. Maybe he allowed this stuff to happen this month so I could learn a lesson. I read the bible, I fasted, I prayed. I cried boatloads of tears and felt no relief. Where was God in all this? Most days I felt like I was in a dark pit all by me self, and there was no way out. I sought counsel from wise people, I confided in my team with my struggles, and I reached out for prayer. I recognized these were issues that needed to be resolved but I had NO IDEA how to resolve them. God sure wasn’t taking them away.
I got some really solid advice that changed my attitude for the better from a man I sincerely trust. He said ” I think quite the opposite of these lies, I think you are so filled with the spirit that Satan is doing everything in his power to keep you from doing Gods will, because you’re a threat to him.” He wants nothing more than to see you fail.” “And maybe all this is happening so that God can surface those ugly things that aren’t from him, so he can eliminate them. The end goal is for you to look like him. And these thoughts, feelings, and emotions are getting in the way.”
Then he gave me this analogy:
“Imagine a two liter bottle, filled with sand and water. When the bottle is left alone the sand settles to the bottom. But when it’s shaken up everything resurfaces. Maybe this is God just shaking you up, so he can surface all this mess and take it away.”
I can look back and remember any time in life I had a victory, I had to first fight a battle. Sometimes it’s gruesome and feels like it will never end. But I’ve never fought alone.
I was sitting in my alone time the other day. Eyes closed, cuddled in a blanket, just sitting quietly. I saw an image that was so real I felt like I was there.
It was dark, grimy mud caked the walls, my feet ankle deep in sludge. I was in the pit again. What seemed to be an endless dark hole. But THIS time, I wasn’t alone. Jesus was with me in that goofy white robe. I mean this pit is mucky and nasty… And he’s as white and clean as a new bleached white
T-shirt! So he is helping me climb out of this pit.. And I’m climbing up him like a tree, stepping on him, hands on his face, feet dangling, and at one point I said… Um Jesus can’t you just like snap your fingers and get us to the top… I mean you are Jesus… And breathing heavily he said “yes, i could, But it’s the climb that makes it worth it.
Keep climbing.”
And I’m not sure if you know it but there is a song called the climb by Miley Cyrus (who knew she’d be influential) you should YouTube it. Some of the lyrics are…
“The struggles I’m facing, the chances I’m taking, sometimes might knock me down but no I’m not breaking. I may not know it but these are the moments, I’m gonna remember most, I just gotta keep going. And I, I gotta keep trying. Gotta keep my head held high… Theres always gonna be an another mountain, I’m always gonna wanna make it move, There’s always gonna be an uphill battle, sometimes I’m gonna have to lose. It doesn’t matter how fast I get there, or what’s waiting on the other side… (The choirs is) ITS THE CLIMB.
That was so encouraging. The climb is hard part but most rewarding. Then in that moment I recalled James 1: 2-4
“Consider is PURE joy when you face trials of many kinds because you know, the testing (the pit) of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance (the climb) finish its work so that you may be mature and complete not lacking in ANYTHING. “
“What you learn in the dark will help you live in the light.”
The climb is what is shaping me to look more like him. Its funny I prayed before the race and during. “God I wanna be broken. Broken for you and this world. I want to live in abandon and be completely dependent on you. Disclaimer — be careful what you pray for– I think we do that a lot. We curse God for the very thing we’ve been earnestly seeking, because it looks different than we had in mind. But we forget we have to climb the mountain to get to the top.
I’ve written in a previous blog (http://stephaniebelow.theworldrace.org/post/mountain-highs-valley-lows) about mountains and valleys in life. And they are both inevitable. The valley can seem dark, and challenging, but man- when you get to the top of the mountain… The climb seems so worth it. The view is incredible, and you can look back and remember what you just walked through and celebrate that mountain top experience.
A team mate of my encouraged me recently. Instead of keeping your eyes on the mountain, keep your eyes on God whose on top of that mountain.
Joshua 1:5 NO-ONE will be able to stand against you, all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I WILL BE WITH YOU; I will NEVER leave nor forsake you.
I know he’s climbing with me. He’s in the pit. He’s in the valley. Hell walk through the fire with me. I lost sight of that this month. I love that even when I’m faithless, he is faithful. He still loves me and still pursues me. He puts incredible people around me to love and encourage me. And he doesn’t let the enemy overthrow me, he stands with his angels encamped around me, fighting for me and protecting me.
And he does the same for you. Christian or not, when you feel like you’re in the valley, or the pit and there seems to be no way out, don’t forget he IS there with you. He IS holding your hand. It’s not going to be easy, and it may take sweat and tears. But the climb… The climb makes it so worth it when you finally get to that mountain top. Don’t stop climbing. You’re almost there. Sometimes our greatest act of spiritual warfare is simply not to quit. You can not have great victories without going through great battles.
Isaiah 43:2 “when you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you go through the rivers they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.”
