We’re preaching in the tiniest villages in Peru this month. I gave this testimony in church last week, and I want to share it with all of you (the English version this time). Enjoy.
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Who knows that our God is a God who wants to know us? Really know us. Intimately. Like no one else.
Psalm 139:1-6 says: “You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.”
I want to share a story about a journey in my life. About searching for God and this knowledge he has about me. About the moment I began to understand this scripture.
I’ve always known who Jesus is. For my whole life, he was a big God who knew everything about me and was always watching me. He saw everything I did and all the choices I made. He was in control when I was afraid, and listened when I prayed for my food and my safety. But he wasn’t active. He didn’t talk to me and he didn’t really care much as long as I was being good. I knew he loved me, but I didn’t know what that meant.
I went on my first mission trip to Mexico when I was 15 years old. That was the first time I saw people who really knew Jesus. People who believed that he was alive and really cared about their lives. People who invited Jesus to be present throughout their day and their lives. I didn’t know what they had, but I knew I wanted it.
I decided to attend a Christian college so I could learn more about the Jesus these people knew. And I saw people who knew Jesus. People who had a relationship with him. They were confident. They knew they were loved. They had a strong identity because they knew they were daughters of the King. I wanted that. But I didn’t know how to get it. So I took all the classes I could about the Bible and about theology and learned as much as possible about the life and times of Jesus.
But all that knowledge stayed in my head. It never made it to my heart. I never understood in my heart who Christ had called me to be. I didn’t know my identity because I didn’t really know Jesus. I could tell you all the historical facts about Jesus’ life, but I couldn’t tell you the desires of his heart.
I went on several more mission trips in the next two years. I couldn’t explain it, but I felt a strong call to keep following Jesus overseas. Four times to Mexico, once to the Dominican Republic, and when I was 18 I spent two months in Kyrgyzstan as a missionary intern. I continued to learn about who Jesus was and what his life was like. The more time I spent on mission, the more I understood the heart of Jesus. But I never let it completely take over my life. I loved him, I wanted to be confident in my identity like so many other people I had met over the years, but I still couldn’t figure out what was missing.
I transferred to a different university for my third year. It was not a Christian university. I tried to get involved with Christian clubs and organizations on campus, but I had a lot of insecurities, and the people in those clubs didn’t seem to want new friends. So I turned to the people who were the most welcoming – the athletes and sororities. I quickly made friends who told me how much they liked me, how pretty I was, how fun I was, and how much they wanted to spend time with me. But they were people who didn’t know Jesus. So very soon I forgot my desire to know Jesus, and found myself making some not so good choices.
I did not have a firm identity in Christ. So when these new friends were able to give me a new identity, I took it. And because I never understood that Jesus desired to be a part of me, I thought he was just watching me from far away. I thought he didn’t really care what I was doing, as long as I believed he existed. Which I did.
Over the next year, I had a lot of fun at a lot of parties, but I also made a lot of poor decisions, and hurt a lot of people. But I quickly got tired of this lifestyle too.
But, I was lucky. God was always with me. Psalm 139:7-12 says. “Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, ‘surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,’ even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.”
I couldn’t run. I couldn’t hide. The Lord was always with me.
So when I graduated, I started going to church again. And just like before, I did everything I could to get close to Jesus. I went to church every weekend. I worked in the nursery every weekend. I gave my tithes. I gave extra. I was in a small group. I was in two small groups. I went on more missions to Guatemala and Mexico. Everything I could be involved with, I was. But I still couldn’t figure out what was missing.
5 years after I graduated from college, I had earned a Master’s degree and had taken over as the lead special education teacher at the school I worked at. But something was wrong. I felt bored. I felt like there was so much more that God wanted, but I didn’t know what it was.
Then I remembered this trip I had heard of when I was in college called The World Race. I felt a tug on my heart to go. So I applied, went to training, and left the United States in January.
And that thing that was missing? That thing that I wanted and needed and had been trying to learn for years and years? It was Jesus. And I found Him.
This year, the Lord has taught me that it doesn’t matter the amount of knowledge in my head if I don’t have him in my heart. He doesn’t just want me to know about him, he wants me to know him.
The reason I didn’t have any confidence in my identity was because I didn’t know who he was and I didn’t know who he had created me to be. This year, I learned the word for what I needed: INTIMACY.
God wants an intimate relationship with me. I had to learn what that meant, and how to have one. In summary, this is what I learned:
An intimate relationship with God means that I know his heart. I know his desires and I am constantly living in his presence. I know who he says I am, and I am free to be bold in my identity because He created me and he loves me!
How did I learn all that? By spending time with him. An intimate relationship with Jesus can only happen when I talk to him and listen to him and enjoy his presence. I had to choose to commit every day to spend time with him.
I had to learn that my relationship with Jesus is unique, and it wasn’t going to look like anyone else’s. I didn’t understand it before because I was trying to do what everyone else did. I had to stop comparing my relationship to other people’s.
I also learned that God gave me passions because he wanted to use them to draw me into him. He loves me through things I love. Verse 16 of the Psalm says, “Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” He created us, knowing our passions and interests. When I started doing things I enjoy with Jesus in mind, like reading, traveling, and teaching, he showed me more about who he is.
The last thing I had to do was challenge myself all the time. I couldn’t let my relationship with him become boring. Prayer was hard for me, but I know it’s important. So I asked Jesus to help me do it, and when I persevered through the challenge, he revealed more of himself to me.
Jesus wants to be intimate with all of us. He knows you deeply, and he wants to be known deeply by you. When you take time to know him, to talk to him, and obey what he tells you, you can be confident of who he is and who he created you to be. I hope that Jesus spoke to your heart tonight. If you have questions about an intimate life with Jesus, please come up after the service and talk with the pastor. We’re all excited for you.
Thanks 🙂
