Currently on the bumpiest and most fearful plane ride of my life, so of course I’m blogging to pass the time.
I actually meant to blog this week, but I was too busy laying on the beach, sipping on McUltras, and taking midday naps (PTL FOR A BREAK FROM PA SCHOOL THOUGH FORREAL).
I started PA school a little over 2 months ago (Woo!!!) – and everyday I find myself more passionate about the profession and humbled to be able to invest in/help/love my future patients. I’m so blessed!
Unfortunately, I’ve also found myself wading in this weird season of questions, wrestling, and frustration in my relationship with the Lord. I don’t think it’s unhealthy to wrestle with things, in fact sometimes we need to, but it sucks nonetheless.
For the first time in a very long time, I find myself questioning God’s goodness and His provision in my life-which is sometimes easy to do if you’re a skeptic like myself. I find myself in this back and forth cycle of “I don’t feel like God is really actively moving in my life, so why even continue to pursue something that feels void?”
The cycle is insidious, and you don’t even realize you’re heading down a path of apathy and distance until you’re there. It’s a domino affect-I feel distant from the Lord and apathetic in my relationship; therefore, I’m not gonna continue to push through the annoyance and discomfort, I’ll just push it all to the side and come back to it later, and later turns into “I’m actually just frustrated and don’t really care/have the energy for it.”
We’ve all been there, and we’ll continue to fall into seasons that feel dead, apathetic and dry from time to time. The reality is sometimes we have to struggle to grow.
I found myself in a similar season exactly 2 years ago in Cambodia-complacent, apathetic, and frustrated with what I perceived as a lack of intimacy with God. I wanted it, but it just wasn’t happening.
I questioned God’s provision, His goodness, and even found myself tip-toeing into questioning His very existence.
I had no legitimate reason to feel this way.
I hadn’t found any evidence to support my skepticism and I hadn’t experienced anything to make me question God’s love, faithfulness, and goodness.
I just felt like my relationship with the Lord wasn’t really growing – I felt like I was drowning in an echo of silence, which really frustrated me.
I wanted immediate affirmation and I was tired of feeling uncomfortable because I wasn’t getting it. I wanted God to show up on the roof of my hostel and speak with me face to face. We’ve all been there. But sometimes things seem quiet (and God probably will never show up and talk to me face to face while I’m on this Earth lol), and sometimes for a very long time.
Everything I felt then, as well as now, is all based on feelings-none of it is grounded in evidence or truth. Unfortunately, so much of what we believe and trust in is based on how we feel, whether that be in the moment, or throughout a season of life, rather than truth.
We trust our feelings too much.
I’m not saying that feelings aren’t valid or real. They most certainly are, and we should always allow ourselves to feel, but emotions and truth are not the same thing.
Just because I may feel unloved in a given situation, does not mean it’s true. Does that mean I don’t have a license to feel that way at times? Not at all, but I don’t want to live my life acting on fleeting feelings either.
Truth does not change.
But feelings do.
When we feel abandoned, we want immediate affirmation.
When we feel anxious, we want an immediate release.
When we feel unloved, we run for the closest person or thing that gives us satisfaction.
When we feel even the slightest doubt, we tend to forget all we knew to be true.
I’ve found myself in a season where I feel distant from God, as if we’re not connecting, which is really frustrating. Though instead of reminding myself of what I know to be true, I’ve allowed those feelings to manifest into apathy, distance, and at times, even resentment. It feels like things are quiet, and my relationship with the Lord just doesn’t feel as solid and firm as it’s been in the past, and that’s okay.
Relationships aren’t always a fiery blaze of love, joy, and passion. They require intentionality, pursuit, and trust-especially through fleeting emotions.
While I may feel this way, I know it’s not true.
God is active, present, and pursuing me.
He loves me and is as close to me now as He was when I was worshipping in the mountains of Nepal.
I’ve just been too busy wrestling in feelings of doubt and frustration to remind myself of what I know to be true.
Feelings are beautiful; they help us connect and feel alive.
But too often we blur the lines of what we feel and what we know to be true, which is easy because we’re human.
Although I find myself dabbling in a weird season, I’m going to challenge myself to meditate on God’s faithfulness and outpouring of love in my life, and trust in what I know to be true, rather than what I feel.
Instead of putting my trust in what I feel, I want to trust in the things I’ve studied, my experiences, and the way I’ve tangibly seen God move in my life as well as all over the world.
If you allow emotions and temporary feelings to be a compass for God’s goodness and provision, you will never experience the fullness of a relationship with Him.
God is not loving or unloving, trustworthy or untrustworthy, present or not present based on how I feel on any given day or season. If this was the case, then God would be a changing God, contradicting the very nature of who He is.
There is a newfound freedom in understanding that truth is constant and sustaining, while emotions are fleeting.
God is here.
He is pursuing me.
He’s doing life with me.
He’s teaching me.
He’s creating space for me to love and be loved.
Even when I don’t feel it to be true.
