The in-between.
A place of unknowns.
The “gray area”.
Between two seasons.
Confusion.
Expectations.
Possibilities.
Growth.
Vision.
I guess you could say I’m in the in-between.
I literally have no clue where I’m going. That sounds dramatic, but it’s true in a lot of ways. I have no idea if I will be accepted to grad school this cycle, or where I’ll be moving if I am accepted. It could be South Florida, it could be Georgia, or even another state.
I don’t know what my future community will look like, and it could potentially look very different. If I stay in Melbourne, my community really won’t change. If I move across the state and start over at school, everything changes.
There are so many question marks when it comes to my next season.
There is so much unknown.
If I’m being real, this was starting to truly bother me for a while.
I got super annoyed with the fact that I “didn’t have a plan yet” or “couldn’t predict what’s next”.
I found myself flustered and anxious when I got prompted with questions about what I’m doing and when I’m going to school.
Why?
Because I didn’t have an answer.
“I honestly have no idea.”
But I wish I did.
A part of me wishes I could say, “Well, I got accepted to a PA school in North Georgia and me and my BFF Anissa are going to get a cute house together and start a rad house church where we’re gonna have coffee and encourage women to walk in their identities and woo I’m so excited!”
Unfortunately, that’s not even close to the truth.
Here’s what sticks out to me when I sit with the Lord and ask Him why I’m so frustrated in this season of waiting and why I desire clarity so much: I’ve put my identity and purpose in all the things I’m doing and planning for instead of solely in Christ; and, in a way, kind of made them an idol (that was tough to admit).
I’ve put getting into school and finding my “ideal Christian community” as the top priorities in my life.
Subsequently, I set expectations for what I vision my next 6 months looking like, and as those expectations aren’t met, I’m met with disappointment.
I’ve traded trust for clarity, because that’s safer, and I can choose to rely more on my own strengths to get there. I don’t have to worry about dodging obstacles or playing any guessing games. It’s just easier.
The need for clarity and concrete answers requires a lot less trust in God and His timing.
The need for clarity says “Just lay it all out for me so I know what to expect. I can plan out all my steps, avoid any messiness, and live in bliss because I know all the answers already.”
Trust is just the opposite, “I don’t know where the hell I’m going and I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, But I fully trust that the Holy Spirit will guide me each step of the way.”
Looking back, even as I’m writing this, I know that I had taken my gaze off Jesus and placed it instead on hopes, dreams, and expectations I had set for myself. In my humanly brokenness, I fell for the false appeal of control and clarity.
A few weeks ago, I was driving to work; I had my windows rolled down and I was literally shouting the lyrics to “Nothing but the Blood” by Jesus Culture. As I was pulling into the parking lot the Lord dropped some serious truth over me that I needed to hear.
“While you’re busy worrying about what’s next, you’re missing out on sweet moments with me.”
Wow. Ugh.
Instead of engaging with The Holy Spirit in the day-to-day, I was so busy worrying about “what’s next.”
PLANNING. PLANNING. PLANNING.
Believing the lie that I can control my life, it became easy to get lost in the monotony of planning, expecting, and asking for all the answers.
I was settling for what I like to call, “cheap trust”. A.K.A., “As long as I kinda know what’s going on and have a feel for my future, I’m all good. No worries, I just don’t want to be surprised by anything.”
Doesn’t require much faith on my part… ouch.
Sometimes cheap trust, cheap relationships, and cheap grace can seem appealing because they’re safe, and don’t really require us to feel uncomfortable or vulnerable. We can rely on our own strength, for a while at least.
It never lasts, nor it is truly fulfilling.
And it’s really just settling. Don’t settle for anything cheap or false.
I don’t want to miss out on intimacy with Christ while I’m busy waiting for answers.
I don’t want to miss out on what God is doing right here in Melbourne, Florida while I’m busy making sure I have 100 different plans based on wherever my future is going.
I don’t want to miss out on the opportunity to be a genuine overflow of grace and love for a friend in need while I’m busy believing the lie that I can control things.
At the end of the day, God is not surprised at where I was, where I am, and where I’m going. He knew I would need to walk through a season of learning what it means to totally trust in the Spirit inside of me so that I could enjoy His presence more deeply in the day to day.
He already knows where I’m going to be 6 months, 1 year, 5 years, and 60 years from now. So I don’t have to worry about that either!
God is so deeply delighted in washing us with affections and truths throughout the day, and He doesn’t want us to miss out on that because our gazes are fixed on so many other things.
I feel like I’ve walked into a whole new kind of freedom in my walk with the Lord; a surreal peace and genuine enjoyment about my future, like I’m simply walking through a quiet meadow.
I don’t need to carry the burdens of my future, nor do I want to try.
My relationship with the Lord is much richer because He redeemed my shortcomings and made them into something beautiful.
I want to continue living and abiding in the Lord, because true intimacy with God is sweeter than anything else.
I want to walk with a supernatural sensitivity to the Holy Spirit, and that requires me to lay down my expectations and desire for control. That requires me to trust that my Father is faithful, and His faithfulness will continue.
I still don’t know what my future holds.
I still don’t know where I’m going to live or when I’ll be moving.
I still don’t know when I’m starting PA school.
And I don’t care.
I’m choosing to embrace and enjoy this season for what it is–an opportunity to grow closer to the Father and understand His desires for me that much more.
I choosing to be the church right now, wherever my feet are planted.
I’m choosing to reflect the love, grace, and compassion of Christ–living totally uninhibited by the chains of expectations, worry, and fear.
