Hello from Semenyih, Malaysia, where the food is hot and the air is even hotter. I’m writing my last blog post from Asia, so bittersweet! While I’m incredibly excited for 3 months in Central America, I’ve fallen in love with Asia and its’ people over the last 5 months.
This has been both one of the hardest and most fruitful months of my race and maybe even my life. While I would love to write about Malaysia and my ministry this month, I’d rather get real and talk about this amazing/difficult/crazy season of growth, tears, and beauty the Lord has walked me through this month.
A few weeks ago my squad and I had our month 7 debrief in Phuket, Thailand. On our last night each of us stood up and made a declaration about how we wanted to end this last leg of the race. I stood up and said I didn’t want to fall into complacency and I refused to coast by-I want to remain as open to difficulty, brokenness, and growth as I was when I left 8 months ago. If I remember correctly, my exact words were, “I don’t want to half-ass this thing!” I meant it, and I left Thailand with open hands, ready for whatever the Lord had for us in Malaysia.
If there’s one thing I know, it’s that whenever we make the decision to die to ourselves and step into more freedom in Christ, spiritual attacks from the enemy usually follow. I’ve learned that enemy starts to get incredibly desperate when we’re living and walking in our true, authentic identities and he’ll do anything and everything to keep us trapped in captivity. I’ve seen it time and time again on and off the field with both me and my squad mates; the enemy hates the God that dwells inside us and will do whatever it takes to destroy Him. Sometimes it’s through fear and sometimes it’s through lies. For me, I was attacked through lies; lies about my identity that I started to believe to be true.
The core of who I am was under attack and I felt completely crippled-crippled in ministry, in community, and in my day-to-day life. The enemy was doing whatever it took to hinder my freedom, my confidence, and my boldness. I was completely distracted with these lies, so distracted that I stopped focusing on what I’m here for-bringing Kingdom-and instead I became consumed with trying to sort through the death that was being spoken over me. I was loosing sight of how faithful the Lord has been all my life in reminding me of who I am in Him. I found myself in a pit of confusion and sadness. I started to feel like I couldn’t and shouldn’t be myself and that I had better start changing to appease others around me. I found myself truly in a state of captivity-to lies and to the opinions of others. I had somehow forgotten about the freedom to be me that I have, and have always had in Christ. I was exactly where the enemy wanted me.
I let the enemy use gossip, lies, and the opinions of others as a foothold to distract me from Kingdom pursuits and from the gifts that God has given me.
I found myself so distraught and broken that I went into my bedroom, turned off the lights, turned on worship music, and just wept. I was sick and tired of processing my thoughts with people and I just wanted to sit with the Lord and allow Him the space to speak. I cried out for the Lord to show up and cover me with His peace, truth, and presence. In all His faithfulness and abundant love, God so quickly shattered those lies I believed and the death that was spoken over me about my identity.
“Logan you’re identity is not decided by anyone else but resides in me alone. Your worth and your identity were already decided at the cross. Rest knowing you are a beloved daughter of the Most High King.”
I literally felt the weight of shackles being removed from my body and a blanket of peace cover me from head to toe. He so gently and sweetly reminded me that He is not a God of confusion, doubt, or insecurity but a God full of eternal promises and truth. God desires authenticity, freedom, and truth while the enemy thrives on lies and captivity.
The Lord recently gave me this cool analogy which I believe depicts how beautifully He redeems even the ugliest and most difficult circumstances. He gave me a vision of a plant being watered and as it was watered its roots sank even deeper into the Earth; they grew so deep that they couldn’t be uprooted.
While I was shaken by this attack on my identity, the Lord used my brokenness to restore truth into my soul which has allowed my own roots to grow deeper in truth. I’m ultimately thankful for this season because I’ve been reminded of truth and reminded of God’s faithfulness in carrying us through all situations. I’m walking away feeling more rooted in my identity and more confident in the woman I am than ever in my life. While the enemy tried all he could do to strip me of my confidence and uproot my identity, God used these lies to cultivate intimacy and draw me nearer to His heart. Sometimes we have to endure a season of walking (or crawling) through the wilderness, but the Lord is always faithful in walking us hand in hand through darkness and leading us into seasons of abundance, joy, and truth.
