Dear E Squad,
Hey. I know it’s been a while. But if you are willing, I’d love to have one more minute with us as a squad. I’d love just one more moment like that Malaysia debrief; coming to you in a desperate honesty and heart plead.
I failed. I failed as a teammate, team leader, squad mate, UHC, and sister. I’ve failed you in all the ways there are to fail, and yet there still seems to be more.
For the last two years, I’ve looked back on my race with distaste. With a gooey bitterness that encased itself around my heart for E squad. With people and situations of how we didn’t love like the Church. In fact, it was you I blamed when I got on that last bus to final debrief, plotting my exit of The Church. It was you I blamed, when I thought back on “Christian community” with a snicker and resentful chuckle.
I went home, after eleven months of “loving, leading, and ministering”, and excused you from my life, happy to not ever be a squad again. Because it seemed that we never really were.
Now, I know some of you are not surprised. Those who are still close to my life, know it’s been a long ever-lasting hike to the top of this hill; one I was set on settling on with no foresight to come down from. Some of you, may be shocked. Believing I was an advocate for wholeness for E Squad, and now wondering where my heart went for us.
I got so caught up in trying to make sure I was buckled in on the rollercoaster of our race, that I forgot to admire the view at the top. I was making sure that those sitting next to me had their seatbelt on, that I didn’t wave my hands in anticipation of the adrenaline. I was so profoundly reeling in from one drop, that my heart couldn’t catch up with my stomach by the next descent. And somewhere along the way, I stopped seeing the excitement of the unknown. I was caught up in self protection and trying to make my lungs pump in the high altitude, that I neglected to see the good in the ride. It felt like torture, continuing on the highs and lows that I couldn’t truly predict, nor prepare for enough.
With all that I am, I am so sorry. I’m sorry I stopped looking for goodness in you. I fell, and continued looking for the cracks in the rocks below me so much that I missed the mountain ranges before me.
The reality is, we weren’t really unified, were we? It felt like every time we started rolling the wheel together, something would catch in the gears and back out of alignment we would find ourselves. I know we aren’t on the race anymore. And I know the hopes of having us ALL together again is probably close to impossible. However, if Peter still had time to proclaim the Name, don’t we have the same choice before us? We still have the choice to choose one another. The pursuit will look different, and the reciprocity will be more challenging than being a nine hour bus ride from one another.
For so long, I basked in the circumstances, that I didn’t HAVE to choose you anymore.
When my heart began stirring to squad lead, I made no steps toward actually doing it. And then Megan came in like a wrecking ball, making me face what the Lord was asking. I came in guarded against what I went through on our race, remembering some good, but mostly hurt. It wasn’t until I was back on the field that I realized how I had built a castle around my pain; too afraid of opening the gates for what would come in. I couldn’t see that the thing to fear was not what was about to enter, but what needed to exit. I didn’t see it was already inside with me, and opening the gates came with freedom.
As I’ve been back out with R Squad, preparing for pain to come, it hasn’t. And I’ve been surprised every time. He brought me back out to heal, not hurt. And in that, I want to offer the bridge of healing to you, if you want it. I’m not burning it behind me as I run anymore.
R Squad has loved me with true and sincere hearts. Don’t get me wrong, they aren’t a perfect squad. They have different highs and lows than we did. But I see their hearts, which is something I lost in our time together. I forgot to look at your heart past the throbbing in mine. That’s on me, and I know that.
The thing is though, I want to choose you now. If you’ll let me. It won’t look like one on ones, or grabbing coffee together, or messaging you with daily prayers for your life. It might not be going to all the weddings or big life events. Today though, it looks like offering my forgiveness and apology. It looks like outstretching my hand, hoping, but not expecting you to take it. Then continuing on this cobble road together.
The Lord has shifted my heart and perspective through squad leading R Squad, and so I come to you with my heart in my hands.
I hope you can see my heart in this. My spirit has been in a purifying process, and I just want to be your family. I want us to choose family this time. I’m buckling back up for the roller coaster of E Squad. I’m sitting in the front, heart pounding with anticipation. The Lord has more for us. Im buckled up, and I’m saving your spot.
Remember when I would ask you what your favorite thing was about yourself? My favorite things about you are…
1. Lené – Your loyalty to His people. Whether it’s a blind man in Botswana or this mess of a woman, you remain loyal. To you, Love is a choice that you make once. You love the way He does because you so intimately know the One to imitate. You point all praise to the one who’s instilled all of your goodness in you. You make me feel known and loved.
2. Ali Souther – Your confident admiration of people. You want people to know and acknowledge the goodness in the others. You bring encouragement to the low, and bring them higher with help of the community you cultivate. You seek for the unknown to be truly seen.
3. Brittbritt – Your gentleness. You brought an insurmountable amount of healing the moment you stepped into my life. You showed me how to have a strength paired with gentleness, and how to live and love in both.
4. Alesha – Alisha. Your pursuit of growth. I remember you telling me about how you became the challenger of feedback on your team. You wanted to be different, and you were. You didn’t chase growth- you jumped on that train and rode it all the way back to PA. You aren’t happy to be complacent, and you thrive in the challenge.
5. Beks – Your faith in His promises. It was hard sometimes, but I know you held to the things He gave you foresight on. It didn’t always look as expected, but God’s goodness and grace is weaved throughout your story. Watching you and D call each other sisters, Jules became your MOH, and COB became what it did in El Salv…you trusted in His promises and leaned into who you were more authentically than I had seen before.
6. Julesrules90 – Your ability to love. You love so fiercely, and with your entirety. You don’t just walk in love; you dance in it, you thrive in it, you jam into it. You truly put people in your heart, and let them find a home there forever.
7. Kare-bear – The way you’ve continued to see good in all things. I didn’t used to understand, but I see it now. You’ve told stories of Gods goodness and miracles and of our squad in a different light than I saw it. And through all of it, you’ve kept them and our race in a light of grace. It encouraged and challenged me. Thank you Kara. That perspective comes straight from Heaven.
8. Brown Finger – The way you want unity. That’s all you wanted that year, wasn’t it? A true unified community, seeking the Lord and one another. There were times you wanted to give up, but you couldn’t because the fire inside you wouldn’t blow out no matter how much you wanted it to. I love the way you continue to seek unity in the body.
9. Uncle Rico/Ryguy – Your desire for connection. That’s my favorite thing about you. I see connection in you, and in all of your intentions. You aren’t afraid to be gritty, and share all that you’re holding. I loved watching you get to a place where you could unlock the gates of connection with the Lord and His people.
10. Joshiejosh – Your authority. When you speak up, people lean in. Ears are always turned in your direction. Like Fix It Felix, your building up is quicker and more effective than the normal person. He gave you a special hammer to build in the Spirit, because you hold influence there.
11. Kev – You know who are are to Him. You know who we are to Him, and treat us as such. You walk confidently in who you are because of your relation to who He is. Your ability to embrace your uniqueness unapologetically is breath taking. *Twinkle Toes*
12. Mri – You are a backbone to the body Mariah. You are the lifeguard; sent out to sea to grab those who’ve been swept up in the crashing waves around them. You always swim out. You always show up. You always take them back to shore and offer a fresh breath of air. You are a salve to wounds. You carry the same air of that first breath given to mankind, and offer it to the lifeless around you.
13. D – Your passion for conviction. I don’t think I ever told you that you were a HUGE piece to me learning how to hold to my convictions as a team leader. You stir a desire, not a judgement, for people to hold to what the Lord asks of them. I learned how to be a pillar of faith by standing next to you, D.
14. Tice – You still know how to fight for people. You don’t believe in lost causes, even if sometimes it takes you a moment to come back. You continue to fight for people in a way that honors the Lord.
15. Kelsey – You are the epitome of someone’s “Number one fan”. You always have your hands in a posture ready to cheer someone on with excitement- sometimes more than them lol- and waiting at the finish line to tell them how proud of them you are. You’re like Jesus in that way.
16. Micah – Your authenticity. You bring a unique form of sincerity to the table; one I can trust. It brings in the dichotomy that happens within the Church; the Spirit and the Word. You carry both and they coincide within you, never one above the other. You bring a sense of balance to reality.
17. Dylan – How comfortable you are with yourself. It didn’t matter how many times I asked you to stop saying you were from The Gooch (Goochland, for those who don’t know) you loved it. And you began knowing and loving yourself the more you got to know and love God. You became more grounded in truth and the character of God, and that told you who you were.
18. Claudia – You want to be enlightened. Remember that day we flipped our canoes in Nicaragua? And then we had swim lessons. From swim lessons to learning about other cultures to learning why someone is the way they are, you just want to understand. You ask questions to know more, not to prepare your defense. You are generally curious as to why. It’s your desire to know Him more coming out in a unique way. I love that about you.
19. Rach – You have a way of understanding my spirit like basically no other human being. Without explanation, you see the heart in people and live in the assumption of their goodness. You walk without a visual sight, but a heart sight of who you’re walking next to.
20. LC – Your love for the Lord ignites a revival in the hearts that surround you. You seek God, and pursue His truth. You go all in with Him, every day. You make a relationship with the Lord attractive. And, you show his playfulness! You taught me about how funny God is.
21. Reyna – La Reyna. It’s your goofiness. I can hear you laughing now! You and I had a mischievous relationship, and always appealed to my prankster side. You always kept me on my toes, and I feel like the Lord does the same thing.
22. Ari – Your heart to love people no matter their choices. Even if you don’t understand, even if you’re hurt, you still choose to love and hold out your arms to them (if it’s healthy). You swerve into a crisp discernment, like it’s fresh every day. You are without judgement, but you hold truth relative to His Word and Spirit; then you love from there.
23. Cassie – Your heart of reassurance. Your mind is so set on what the Spirit desires, that you’re able to reclaim a calming and protectiveness from that place of steadiness. Far too many times to count I came to you wide eyed, and you would give me that sweet Cassie smile and reassure me that everything would be ok. His peace permeates through the reassurance you hand out so freely.
24. Toaster – Girl. You have the belly laughs of God. Do you remember walking in Antigua at final debrief crying all the way home because we were laughing so hard? You made me laugh harder than….I can’t even think of another person who’s made me laugh that hard to this day. You carry His joy through your laughter, and it quickly turns the up the joy in others.
25. TR – Your purity of heart. You love from a deep well that is only filled by the Father. You want people to know and feel love freely. You offer what you can, and let the Lord fill in the rest. What you do offer, is the best there is; you don’t give out the leftovers but only what’s prime. And it’s always so pure.
26. Vivian – Your humility. Your quickness to acknowledge your assumptions, your guard, and your repentance. You uphold humility through leading and following. It slowly pulls at any contradictions in those around you, in a way that they begin shifting their perspective towards being a humble servant.
27. Jax – Your truth. Rather, His truth in you. You hold unswervingly to the truth you profess, and profess it you always do. You hold to your convictions like it’s the oxygen tank to the Lord, and subtly allow others to breath from your connection to the tank. You never take a drink of the sea water, knowing it’s not what will bring you or others the life they seek.
28. Ali Woods – Woman. I feel like we are Woody and Buzz. You have a way of offering your most intimate thoughts and feelings, giving way to seek truth in your questions and uncertainty. You’ve never stopped pushing forward, no matter how fast the pace. You love whole heartedly, and usually laugh your way through the process. You seek with inquisitiveness, and always find Him there.
29. Kincade – You choose healing, even if it means you might hurt first. I’ve seen you step onto the plank above the unknown waters, and trust that the Lord would deliver you before sword or shark got to you. Your ability to love and trust is quietly demanding more of Him in you.
30. Des – Your sweet spirit. All jokes aside, it’s not because of your Canadian citizenship; it’s because of your Kingdom citizenship. You have a sweet spirit towards people both in and out of the church and want them to see and taste His goodness. When you operate out of that sweetness, they’re bound to know His love by being with you.
31. Smash – You carry a weight of justice to situations. You want people to be seen and sought after. Sometimes a righteous anger blooms and it comes alive when the weak are at the mercy of those who lay justice to the side. You hold to the hope that justice will prevail, and remind us that we can trust the One who promises to carry it out.
32. Jess – Your dependence on God. It was beautiful watching your reverence for Him grow in a way that you were no longer an independent fighting for yourself. You let Him fight your battles and give you perspective. The most humble thing I’ve ever seen you do is put down your weapons and let Him arm you.
33. Illy – Your fearlessness. Does that surprise you? I have always seen you do the extraordinary. Whether that is going on a Kingdom Journey with broken(?) body parts, or reaching out to the squad amidst your pain. You do scary things, and take ownership in any delayed timing. You take on the world with a fearless love, Illy.
34. Aunt Vickie – Your emotions. I know lol…but really, that’s my favorite. You feel and love so deeply, that you cannot help but allow them to flow from you. And it’s beautiful. The ferocity that comes forth when you cannot do anything except bring people before the Lord. You don’t sit in emotion, it urges you on toward love in action.
35. Bruni – Your continued search for God. Even when things don’t make sense or you feel like you mess up…you still seek Him. It’s awesome to watch from afar now as you are home and still throwing your arms up to Him, knowing He will always reach back.
36. Sarah – Sarah! Gosh. My favorite thing about you is the way you make people feel like your friend without even knowing you. I’m pretty sure people felt similar towards Jesus; he challenged them too (in a good way). I remember being roommates in KL at debrief and wishing we’d had more time together. You were my friend without prerequisites. We just were. It was an instant breath of fresh air; like who I was, was automatically accepted because you knew the reason of your acceptance.
37. Kell Bell – Your words. Whether it’s travel day and we escape to find a Starbucks in the airport and talk, or we are at training camp and you read Isaiah 61 over the squad. Your words are threaded with heart, and your heart is the best part of you. When you offer that, in words, it gathers people (like travel day lol). Seriously though, you can seep your sweet spirit into the palm of my hands with the words you offer.
38. Lele – You offer a supporting challenge. You challenged the way I thought and acted, or the lack thereof. Jesus challenges people without condemning, and you do the same with humility of heart. It opens the spaces before people for them to choose a different way; a more loving way.
39. Teenteen – You pursue people, even without reciprocity. You continue plowing the ground before you, even when you don’t see a harvest coming. You are the mark of pursuit without expectation Teenteen.
40. Mark – The way the Gospel ties itself in a tender way around your life. I will never forget hearing you share your testimony with us and the resounding intimacy with the Lord that your life exclaims. Your affection for Him draws people in like you share an inside joke everyone wants to know.
41. Mama Sharon – Your motherly heart. You’re my coach, but you’re also Mama Sharon. You are someone I always want on my side cheering me on. And yet, whenever I look to the sidelines, there you are. You’re the mom who comes to every game, sign in hand, yelling “That’s my kid!” To all the other parents next to you. I don’t even have to look anymore, because I know you’re there.
42. Bobby – Your casual way of offering wisdom. From teachings in debriefs or one on ones. You have a natural way to offer counsel and wisdom that slows the process of those over-thinkers. It makes us come to a place of sincere listening to all that you so nonchalantly hand out. Which always comes back to His heart.
43. Mama Megan – How can I even say this to you. If I had to choose one thing, it would be (and surely you know I’m not just saying this one…) how trustworthy you are. Honestly. I didn’t always understand your decisions, but I always trusted them. Even in coming back out, I trusted you to care for me in the state that I was in; Raw and guarded. And because of your integrity of heart, I trust you with mine entirely. I trusted you to take all my pieces, ragged and broken, to sift through them and remind me that I had the ability put them back in order. I have the One who can melt the pain away and make me whole again. He entrusted me to you. And that, Megan, tells me what heart you have inside of you; that He would trust you with the broken me. It tells me of every piece of you that is actually Him. I know He taught you to love me, because you do it so thoroughly.
E Squad, I am standing before you. My arms are stretched to the side, palms open to sing “No Longer Slaves”. Will you take my hand again?
