“Our Lord’s teaching is always anti-self-realization. His purpose is not the development of a man; His purpose is to make a man exactly like Himself, and the characteristic of the Son of God is self-expenditure. If we believe in Jesus, it is not what we gain, but what He pours through us that counts. It is not that God makes us beautifully rounded grapes, but that He squeezed the sweetness out of us. Spiritually, we cannot measure our life by success, but only by what God pours through us, and we cannot measure that at all.”
-Oswald Chambers
Through conviction or the Lord deliberately telling us, there are aspects of our lives that He wants to call out or pour into. This is obvious, I know. So, say for the sake of a Godly characteristic, someone close to you tells you that they see a spirit of selfishness in you. You pray about it and the Spirit confirms that it is in fact true that you live in a heart posture of selfishness. Great. Now what?
On one end of the spectrum, there are those that will maybe pray about it a couple times seeking to be selfless before God. They then leave that request and don’t listen to Holy Spirit throughout the day. It leaves the mouth and goes out into the abyss where, I believe, all of the prayers that we say for the sake of saying them lie.
Now, let me take you to the other end of this spectrum. Theses are people that work for this “selflessness.” We will put a plan in place to do three selfless acts for someone every day. We will then start to read more books, listen to more sermons, and focus your prayer time solely on this area of your life that Jesus is calling out.
You will just do this until you’re the most selfless person in the world, right?! How hard can it be? Jesus has to be so happy with you that you care enough to gain this attribute that He said He would so freely give. But I ask you, when do you stop praying for selflessness? When are you selfless enough that it is pleasing to God? Is there a point where you can look at God and say, “nice, I’m like 80% there. is it cool if I stop now?”
Also, by this point, while you’ve been so focused on not being selfless, you have noticed that you have been sort of prideful lately. You’ve also been getting jealous that your friend seems to be able to speak to God like He is their best friend. Your heart no longer stands in a posture of praise. You don’t greet the morning with the joy that comes with knowing Jesus.
While attempting to attain Jesus’ attributes is not inherently harmful, it can become exactly that when we desire to rid of our sin instead of focusing on the only one who can rid of it in the first place. As I sat in the quiet, disheartened with where my intimacy with Jesus was at, I just dropped the journal that I was writing in. I couldn’t do it anymore. Throughout my entire life I understood that it is a partnership, but my view has been so distorted regarding who has the reigns on the relationship. For so long, I have been dissatisfied with the progress of my spiritual journey. I constantly seek everything that I am not. I press God for where my weaknesses are so that He can come and make them strong, thinking that this is what He wants to grow in closeness. What a lie that this is.
I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and let my head drop with disappointment. I desire to grow, become more like Him, see progress, go to battle, pursue, perform well, and drastically improve. These are not ungodly desires, but I have missed an entire portion of who God is. I forgot where I received these desires in the first place. We have a Father that romances, woos, loves, pursues, and speaks life and truth over us. As a man with pride in the progress of the work that I do, this is not an easy concept for me to grasp.
I cannot remember the last time I just sat with Jesus and didn’t say a word. Let the wind hit my face as I peer out in front of me with pure joy. The last time I shut up and listened to a Father that desires to pursue, woo, and speak love into me as His son and heir. I wondered to myself, when did I start desperately trying to attain His love, attributes, and introspective sharpening through works and performance while losing focus on praising Him for who He is? He knows that I will and even desire to go through valleys and to war for Him but won’t let myself be still and let Him love, pursue, or even bless me.
Jesus will work in me, grow me, and show me intimacy. It is just the fact of the matter. But there is nothing that I can do to attain any of this outside of sitting in and partnering with His presence in every moment- and my goodness is it a slow process. Letting Him lead while I attempt to listen and follow on a situational basis is all that I can do. It is such a simple concept but it has taken me years to fully understand. For so long, I have lost the ability to sit at my Dad’s feet and listen to His still quiet voice. I will give anything in the world to have that back. I am only promised this day and this moment to breathe in a love for me that exceeds any sort of comprehension. There are an infinite amount of characteristics in my life that need to be called out and improved on but what kind of relationship is that? How annoying would it be if every time your friend, significant other, or spouse spent time with you, they only asked what they could change about themselves to attain a better relationship? What about date night, sitting with one another in silence, and doing what one another enjoys?
It took the realization of simply living, letting myself be loved in order to pour out, and ceasing to perform for me to truly experience what He has for me. My only concern is falling in love with Jesus every day and my goodness is it liberating. It’s like my eyes have been opened for the first time- I am taking aspects of life in that I never have before. For instance, the love He has for me as I sat on the mountaintop every morning, gazing at a sunrise that could not be explained by any word. I felt a new kind of awe as I gazed at a night sky that perfectly displays the Milky Way. I took in the amazement that a Swazi child possessed when grabbing my hands, looking at both of them, and then back at my face like he had just discovered big foot. I saw the rarity and the beauty that is held in the passion of a squad that wants nothing but Jesus.
I have never felt like I am the best version of myself during any period of my life and I am done believing that. I will not stop listening to what Jesus is telling me, but I refuse to take control of it outside of being obedient. I desire more than anything else in my life to look God in the face after it is all said and done and see an old friend that I intimately know. I am done performing for a God that already loves me and wants to use me a vessel regardless of what I am not.
