This month has been my hardest month on the race by far. I have been attacked by satan more times than I care to say and I lost complete confidence in myself along the way. I have been put in positions that made me uncomfortable and I have had to hear some difficult things throughout this month.
My team started this month by hopping on five different flights to transfer from Southeast Asia to Eastern Europe. You could say that during that time we had a complete culture shock as we came from such hot and uncomfortable areas (temperature wise) to a place of coolness and comfort. We were picked up at the airport by our host and then we headed to the house we would be staying at this month. Once we got there it was clear to us that we would live a month of comfort and stability unlike some of the previous months. We had running water with actual showers and toilets. We were in a place that we were actually allowed to flush our toilet paper and we were in a place that we would finally have food I enjoyed.
At first it looked as if this month was going to be a breeze. It looked like we would have rest and restoration along with more freedom and grace. It seemed like there should be no issues and everything would be as awesome as unicorns and gumdrops. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. There was so much more than the things I could see on the outside. There were things that went so much deeper than I could have anticipated.
We found out that ministry was not what we expected. Instead of a schedule or a list of all the things that we would be doing for the month, we had moments of not knowing what we were doing or simply not having anything to do. We had so many chances to learn how to seek after ministry. This month wasn’t about going and serving every minute of every day. This month was about learning how to find ministry right where we are. It wasn’t about working with pregnant women like we thought, but instead learning how to love the family we were staying with and seeing them as our ministry this month.
There are so many chances that passed me by. There are so many times that I could have done so much more than I did and I didn’t take those opportunities to serve the way Jesus intended for me to. There were so many moments I could have made an impact or a difference and I didn’t. Coming into this month I already had the head knowledge of what ministry was, but I didn’t have the heart knowledge to back it up. It was easy to say that ministry is everywhere as long as we take the time to seek it out, but my heart was lacking the part about getting up and doing something in the moments of nothingness.
Throughout the month I noticed that my heart started to harden towards my team and myself. My team began to call me out on things that I didn’t feel were an issue and I started to resent them. I have been learning a lot about the spiritual realm this year and in month one of the race I dealt with the spirit of offense. I felt like any time someone said something to me that they were personally attacking me. It’s something that I had to seek the Lord in and ask for a change of heart and mind and I thought I had conquered it throughout the first month. Turns out that satan had plans to bring it back into my life this month. As I was getting feedback from my team, I was taking offense to everything they were saying to me as a personal attack from them.
As you can probably imagine this isolated me big time from my teammates and I began to feel all alone. Then the worst of it came. I allowed the enemy to label me with the word FAILURE. In everything I did I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I felt like I was worthless and like no matter what I did, it wasn’t good enough to matter or I was wrong all the time. He really used it to break me down and he used my friends to do it. I was made to feel like I could do nothing right. Day after day I felt defeated and then the hardest day of my race came. It was my day to be in the hot seat for feedback which means that people were going to lay it on thick with me. They were going to tell me all the things they thought I could improve or grow in and they didn’t disappoint. At my lowest point, the enemy used my team to shatter the remaining pieces left of me by hitting me like a piñata with words that cut so deep all I could do was cry.
It took me a couple of days to process what all was going on, but I finally brought it out of the darkness and into the light. God can work miracles in your life when you allow Him to. Here is what I have learned in the last five months…
The World Race is hard and some days I just want to pack up my bags and go home. You don’t hear about all the hard stuff when you are doing your research for this trip. You only get the sugar coated version. There is a lot of pain on the race. Granted that comes with a lot of growth, but it’s hard and it definitely hurts. Today is easier than yesterday and tomorrow may be easier than today, but I know one thing for sure… At the end of this race I will be a different person. I won’t be the same Danielle that met my squad in LA. I will be transformed and grown in more areas than I ever knew possible. I will have been broken and slowly put together again through God’s eyes. These five months have been hard, but I know they are necessary so that I can continue to become more like Christ.
I am thankful for this month and the things that God has shown me. Even though I went through some bad days and hard times because of words from my team, I was uplifted and loved through words from them as well. Through them God reminded me that I am strong, gentle, kind, loving, beautiful and worth everything He has to offer to me through the blood of His Son. I have had a blast with team Cosmolpolita the past two months. They have helped me see the fruits I need to work on and the fruits I excel in. I have learned what it means to take seven different personalities and form an incredible team that seeks Jesus. As we go into team changes to start out month six, I thank God for the opportunity that I have had to be part of this team and I can’t wait to see what else He has in store for me.
-Danielle
