Depression.
It’s a word most try to avoid and when it’s brought up in conversation, things get awkward. But for me, it’s my way of life.
Actually, it WAS my way of life.
But it’s not anymore.
For the past four years, I allowed myself to be defined by my depression. I allowed it to rule my life and to absorb me. Even though I thought I had it under control, the reality was, I did not.
I mean, I was happy, I loved life, I no longer hated waking up, but I was still defined by it. I lived everyday in fear of the depression taking over me like a dark shadow. I was terrified of losing four years of progress because of one weak moment. But my biggest fear, was having children and not being the Mom they deserve because of it.
I never realized until this last month how much it controls me. So I made the decision, I left my irrational fear of my depression behind in South Africa. I’m trusting God to protect my mind and my heart from the darkness. I’ve learned that in those moments of sadness, to pull out my Bible and pray.
My depression does not define me. God does. God is my light, when I can’t find one. God is my hope when I have none. And God is who I talk to when I can’t talk to anyone.
I’m taking my past and I’m going to use it to help others. I’m going to talk about depression with braveness and allow others to see how God can help them too.
In a week, it will be four years since I quit cutting and gave my life to God. I’ll celebrate this “fourth birthday” in Botswana serving God and I could not be more ready. God has granted me a freedom like I’ve never known. I’m freer today than I ever have been.
