I went home because I needed it. I went home because I felt sick, crushed, tired and overwhelmed. It wasn’t with my tail between my legs but because I desired to spend special time with the Lord in a safe space, and I wasn’t sure that I was getting that on the field. My time at home started with teaching little Zoe how to long board in the airport. It was interspersed with makeovers, matching outfits, rollercoasters, Flaming Hot Cheetos, and late night chats. I’ve never had a little sister; she’s never had an older one. What I thought I didn’t have capacity for became a complete joy. The Lord knew what I needed— friends, family, encouragement, adventure, brief stability— and He made it all possible. But He also knew what Zoe needed.
On a night where I was particularly exhausted she begged, “Can we please paint each other’s nails?”
No, God no. I similarly pleaded, but silently. A gentle nudge from the heavenly realm changed my tune.
We sat in my room with nail polish and my mom’s makeup surrounding us. Quick makeovers (with drawn-on mustaches included) led to hardening clay face masks and funny Cheeto eating faces. We laughed, but before we got to the nails we were both struck with extreme exhaustion.
“Alleigh?” She looked over to me. “Can I ask you a question about God?”
“Of course!” This is what I do. This is my element.
Her question turned into several personal, thought-provoking questions far beyond what I thought a new 11 year-old would ponder. We opened the Bible together. Challenging questions but the answers I shared were simple, so simple.
My mind wandered, “Was that even enough?” I struggle with doubting myself and my abilities, but God wanted me to rest assured.
A couple days later my mom was driving her back to her house.
“Zoe, what was your favorite part of the week?” Assuming she would say something along the lines of “Kings Dominion!” or “Almost running into that guy when I was long boarding in the airport!”
Instead, a different answer came.
“I was praying that God would send someone to answer all my questions, and just like that Alleigh fell out of the sky!”
It’s funny, isn’t it? On the days we feel our worst, in the moments we feel the most exhausted, God wants to use us. It takes obedience and a touch of grit, but He will sustain. He keeps showing me that He wants to use me where I am at physically, emotionally, spiritually.
When I think I don’t have enough, when I think “maybe when I know more, when I’m older, if I were younger, if I was more fit, if I went to Bible college, when I have more energy,” He says now. His heart is always for me; His heart is always for you. Nothing you do will make Him love you less; nothing you do will make Him love you more. Give Him your now. Give Him your tired, your worries, your insecurity. Let Him replace it with His unfailing, patient, unconditional love.
He is looking out for you right now.
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