When I first sat down to write this blog I wanted to be able to tell you about all the amazing things we did and experienced in Costa Rica and have been experiencing here in Nicaragua. I planned on sharing a video of our month where you could see all of our smiling faces as we played with kids from the area. Although I am hoping to deliver that to you all soon, it is not where I am at right now.
I am about to get really vulnerable with you for a second and let you in on how I have been doing on this journey. When I first signed up for the World Race, I repeatedly told the person interviewing me, “Yeah, I have been through a lot but I am not a broken person. I am strong.” I believed that at the time. When I decided to go on the Race, I did not think it would be too difficult. I knew I could handle anything thrown my way because I am resilient; I even took a class on resiliency in college which means I am a pro (right??).
A couple months before leaving I started to get a small glimpse of the difficulties that were ahead when I lost friendships that had meant a lot to me. Slowly, my comforts from home began to disappear and my restlessness increased. When I finally began the Race I had lost many friendships, an amazing relationship, and other comforts that made the start of my journey clumsy, awkward, painful, and altogether beautiful. I had begun the process of abandonment and I was excited for everything ahead.
Arriving at launch, I felt ready to change and grow. My restlessness had begun to settle down because I knew I was exactly where I was supposed to be. When a few squadmates told me I needed to prepare for a difficult month, I told them I could handle it and shrugged it off a little.
I was actually extremely blessed with our placement in Costa Rica. We had the best hosts, fun ministry, a great team, and a safe and comfortable place to live. The first few weeks rolled by almost without hardship. I embraced the comfortable living and allowed myself to slip into some old habits that I swore I was going to work on during the Race. The week before I left Costa Rica all that began to change.
I went to the internet cafe on a Monday night just to check up on what was happening back home when I received some amazing news! My friend, Chelsea, had a beautiful baby boy who was doing well despite a rough start. I was so excited for her and her family and I enjoyed getting to meet the baby via FaceTime. I absolutely can’t wait to meet him in person when I go home at the end of the Race.
After I got off FaceTime, I went back onto Facebook and received some of the worst news I have ever gotten. My close college friend passed away under tragic circumstances. The roller coaster of emotion I experienced that night turned my world upside down. I began grieving immediately. I shut down and lost ability to explain why I was crying. I couldn’t believe what was happening. I was so angry at God. Why did he take Evan now? I still don’t understand. Evan is one of the funniest, most driven, and most caring people I have met in my entire life. I owe a lot of where I am at now to him. And now, he is gone. Things won’t ever be quite the same without him here.
Within minutes of me hearing the news about my friend, one of my teammates also received some news of a family tragedy. Because of everything that was happening, she felt it was best for her to go back home and, sadly, not return on the Race right now. It was so difficult to see her leave but I am glad she is where God wants her right now.
With everything going on, the end of our time in Costa Rica came quickly and we jumped on a bus to head to Nicaragua. When we arrived in Granada, Nicaragua we couldn’t believe how different it was from where we were in Costa Rica. It is a beautiful, touristy city with bright colored buildings and so much stuff to do. One of my teammates and I decided we should explore and quickly made some friends. We stayed out a little too late exploring our new home; our sense of adventure took the best of our common sense. We were almost back to the hostel we were staying at for debrief when two men came up behind us. One man came up to my teammate, acting like he had a gun. The other man grabbed me from behind. My teammate didn’t have much in her wallet so she handed it over. I found out that my go to “fight or flight” reaction is fight and tried to wrestle my things away from the man. I was able to throw my phone and passport over a nearby fence which kept them safe and gave the rest of the contents of my wallet to the men. I lost $3, a cheap pair of headphones, a Sharpie, my debit card, and my pride. Overall, the experience was more of an inconvenience than anything. I cancelled my card but I had an extra. It didn’t seem like that big of a deal, but it was for me.
The day after, I got a call from a friend I care very deeply about. After a long talk, we both realized that we were depending too much on each other and not enough on God. It was a hard decision, but we mutually came to the conclusion that we shouldn’t talk for a while. There were a lot of tears on my end and all I could think was, “Why God? Why are you doing all this to me right now?”
In the matter of a week and a half, I was brought to brokenness. I am still in brokenness. It has taken me a really long time to write my feelings out because I have been postponing the processing process. In a week and a half, God taught me so many lessons that I am still trying to sift through. I realize now that not everything is going to be the same when I get home. Life is still going on back home— friends and family will get married, have babies, continue school; birthdays and holidays will still happen whether I am there or not. I know that seems like such an obvious thing but I didn’t fully realize it until now. I also found out that there may be some people I love that I never see again. Losing Evan has been heartbreaking, especially from a distance. It also helped teach me to be sensitive to what my teammates are going through. We are not all at the same place at the same time. It is hard to be deep in grief when no one around you is grieving. God has also been stripping me of my comforts here with a teammate leaving and with being robbed. I can’t always feel safe; change will happen whether I am ready or not. I was stripped of my pride in a way I can’t explain. I started feeling vulnerable in a physical sense that I have not experienced. God took away someone that I tell everything so that I start telling him everything. God is teaching me to depend on him on so fully.
Brokenness is okay. Brokenness is hard. Brokenness is a process that everyone will go through at one point or another. Believe it or not, there is joy in brokenness. I am embracing this process; learning to press into God. I am learning to rely on him in every situation. I know that God will work everything together for good because he loves me (Romans 8:28).
Prayer Requests:
-For me to continue embracing brokenness and that I will continue to press into God
-For Nicaragua and the longterm missionaries we are working with here
-For fundraising for me and my squadmates
-That God will continue to use us as his tools
Thank you for reading and for supporting me through your prayers 🙂
