Sometimes my mind races.
I want to be okay. I want to always be joyful. I want to be the life of the party. The guy who constantly makes people smile and laugh. An extrovert. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy being an introvert, but part of me wants to recharge by being around people. Why do I need so much alone time? Will I ever find a wife? Will my life ever stabilize enough to even think about starting a family? How great would it be to put down roots somewhere and have a steady job to support my future family? Acting is the career plan for this next season of life, but is that really a viable career path for me? So much travel and “no work” seasons, am I really prepared to put my family through that? Why do I wrestle so much with post-Race thoughts? I’m lonely tonight. I’m sitting in China surrounded by people and I’m lonely. Why? Why is this an issue? Why can’t I hear God tonight? Or really at all? Why do I miss home, when, I know that if I went back home, within a week I would be begging to be back on this once-in-a-lifetime trip? Where is home? How the heck am I going to get through 6 more months of this? Always on the move, 2 weeks here, 2 days there. People come and go. I want Zaxby’s and Moe’s for my meals, instead I get rice and rice and sometimes noodles.
My Facebook is full of pictures of me having amazing experiences in epic places. But it’s not all a bed of roses here. As a great thinker once said, “Life is no Nintendo game.” I struggle often. My uncle died and I could be there to comfort my Dad. A close friend had brain surgery for a brain tumor, and I can’t be there for him. Loved ones are getting married and having babies and all I can do is “like” their pictures.
I lust. I doubt. I am hypocritical. I judge others when they don’t act how I think they should. I put myself first.
I sin.
I struggle.
At the same time, life is also really good and I feel more alive now than I have probably my entire life. But I don’t want you thinking that every day in my life is this epic, worry-free adventure. Missionaries struggle the same amount if not more than everyone else.
But you don’t have to be on a missions trip to feel alive, to love, to have passions. God has you exactly where you are in life right now, because it’s where your supposed to be. Even if you have no passion for your job. God has you there for a reason and it’s for your good. Even if you are stuck living at a place you hate. God is going to teach you lessons there. Even if you wrestle with the same sins and same thoughts. You are not alone. God is holding you. He loves and forgives you. He understands your struggles. He wants you to lean on Him through them all. He wants you to be in community, so you can support and love other people. Let go and fall into the arms of the Father.
My name is Taylor Upchurch and I struggle. It’s frustrating, but it’s a part of life and makes me stronger. My life isn’t always pretty. Sometimes I’ll spruce up a picture on social media to mask a really bad day. Bad days aren’t fun, but they are a part of my journey. And you know what? This life is so worth it. Why? Because NOTHING compares to living for and knowing my Savior, Jesus Christ. He is Life. He is my Everything. But Lord, help my unbelief!
