Dear Suicide,
I remember the first time we met. I was walking home from football in the rain, ironic enough, and your friend Depression was helping me to reminisce on the day. He was reminding me of how few quality friends I had. He reminded me of how bad I was at sports and school. He even reminded me, yet again, of how small I was, and the limitations that brought me.
This wasn’t the first time we had talked. Honestly, I had become pretty close to him. He talked to me everyday. He was at school, at practice, at home, heck he even came to church with me! He didn’t like being around people though, and really wanted alone time with me. That way I was all his and I wouldn’t be distracted.
I was pretty scared of him right away and wanted nothing to do with him. However, I eventually realized that he took the pain from life away. When I came home from school after a really hard day he was always there to take away all those feelings. I would go to him and he would take away the shame, sadness, and anger! I mean he took away my laughter, joy, and love as well, but at least I wasn’t hurting anymore.
Anyway back to “our story”. So there I was just walking home with Depression. And he told me that you could take away all of my pain for good. I had heard of you before but, I had never seen you. I had heard how dangerous you were and the pain you have caused. But, there was also a part of me that knew you could give me what I desired. As I was walking by the playground I saw you sitting there on the swing. Depression grabbed my hand and gently pulled me over to the swings and sat me down next to you. I was terrified the first time I saw you, but man were you beautiful. Your eyes looked at me with an incredible intensity, that somehow soothed me. Your smile gleamed like the stars, and drew me in, desiring more. Your touch was soft yet powerful, and took away all feeling and all sense of fear. You leaned over and whispered into my ear, “Give yourself to me.” Your voice was sweet, and took me to a place I had never been before. In that place I saw you waiting for me and I knew what was next, no hurt, no pain, and no more shame. A small whisper broke through and told me, “run”. I opened my eyes and what was once a beautiful woman now sat a monster. I jumped up in terror ran home, and hid under my blankets.
This was not the last time I saw you. It seemed like every day from that point on I saw you everywhere. You would come with me to school and just stand next to Depression. You would be at home waiting for me in my bedroom. You too even made a few appearances at church. Overtime, I looked into those big beautiful eyes and put me at peace. What I once saw as a beast turned into a beauty all over again.
That day I was in biology, was when you made your move. I thought I passed that Biology test and thought to myself, “This is it, this is my way back to hope.” I got my test back and saw a big 38% written at the top. Depression was there to catch me when I fell and directed me into the bathroom. I found you waiting for me in there. Your beauty was to a level I had never experienced before. I looked at you confused that anyone could be so beautiful. You asked me to sit with you while you lustfully embraced and soothed me. I sat with you for hours. People came in and went back out, but nothing took me out of that moment with you. Finally, you whispered to me again, “Give yourself to me.” I gave you my fear, my shame, my anger, my lust, and my sorrow. But that wasn’t enough, I wanted you to have all of me. I had to give myself to you.
I walked home with you in complete submission and lust for what was about to come. We got to my house, you grabbed my hand, and pulled me up the stairs. We ran into my room and you locked the door behind me. I sat down on my bed, and waited for you. I looked up and saw your big beautiful eyes staring back at me pulling away all fear, as you placed my gun in my hand. You smiled at me and your lips framed your enchanting smile that drew me closer to you, as you placed the shotgun shell in my hand. You placed your hand on my cheek and pulled my face into yours. in one final seductive act of submission I closed my eyes and leaned in.
Out of the silence I heard that same voice say , “No more” I opened my eyes in panic, but you were gone. In your place Jesus was kneeling with his hand over the trigger. With tears in his eyes he told me, “I have more for you than her.” He stayed up with me for the next couple of hours and just hugged me while I cried in his arms. That intimate embrace that I was seeking in you was finally fulfilled, as I looked at the holes in his hands.
You still hung around the school, but you never came close because Jesus was with me. I went though High School and college and you became more distant. You never fully left, but you were always at a distance. I left for the race last year and hadn’t seen you in a while. Depression would stop by every once in a while but it was always a short visit.
When I was in Thailand this last year I saw you again. It was halfway through the month things were pretty hard honestly, and I forgot all about you. I was lying in bed one day talking to depression, for the 8th day in a row, and he pulled me outside to go for a walk. As I walked outside I saw you standing next to the playground and it was like that first time again. From across the lawn I could see those eyes, and that smile, and deep down I longed for your touch again. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to fantasize about the satisfaction you could bring. Once again I heard Jesus voice, “I have more for you than her.” I opened my eyes and saw you for the monster that you are. I cried out to Jesus for help and you fled.
The other night I was sitting in the window sill of the dorms just listening to Depression talk. I have come to hate his voice and closed my eyes in an attempt to ignore him. When I opened them I could see you again. I couldn’t see your face, but I could make out the curve of your body and see the way your hair fell over your shoulders like a waterfall on the rocks. I couldn’t see your face, but could picture you as you once were, a beautiful woman who can satisfy my desires. But, something wasn’t right, you stayed in the shadow and wouldn’t walk into the light where I could see your face. As I peered into the darkness I could see you. Your beauty was gone. What was once a desirable attractive woman was now an ugly horrible monster. You tried to seduce me but your voice hissed and and cracked. You walked over to touch me, but I could hear Jesus speak “It is finished.” I feel into his arms and sobbed. She is gone he explained as he looked down at me with tears in his eyes and a smile on his face. I just sat in that corner and cried while Jesus loved me.
Dear Suicide, we are done. I am done hooking up and fooling around with you. I am done chasing after you and trying to find satisfaction in you. You are not allowed to come around me anymore and feed me your lies and manipulation. I now see you for what you truly are and you will always be a monster. I deserve you for what I have done, but you don’t deserve me. I am a son of the most high and a co-heir with Christ. I don’t need to settle for you anymore, because he has so much more for me than what you have to offer. Let this be our formal breakup.
Regards,
Mason James Smith
