It’s 10:49pm and raining outside.
I’ve struggled A LOT with control and Martha’s spirit this past week. I saw many uglies in me that disgusted and frustrated me so bad that I forgot how He sees me. Earlier tonight, during our team time, Trey read us a passage from the Bible and it talks about how we are all God’s masterpiece. Then my heart turned and grieved because I have forgotten how much He loves me regardless of what I do or what I don’t do. The truth is, there is no rules to what mission looks like because He can use any and all things to bring Him glory.
I had a dream yesterday and couldn’t figure out what it meant–now I know why I woke up crying, feeling an overwhelming sense of sadness.
In the dream I was on a mission trip like this one, I even went through parts of the training camp process. And then until I got to my hotel in my first country, I had realized that my pack was switched out to a completely new one and a few things are missing. So I told my teammate that I need to go back and look for my old pack. On the way back, I found myself having time traveled ahead and met an old friend who is now in his 80s. At this point, I’m still my young self and realized that I’ve basically lost everything because the people I’ve loved either grew old or passed.
I woke up in tears and asked God what this dream meant (I even wrote it down in my journal) but wasn’t able to understand or interpret it until now, as I’m typing this blog.
Isn’t it funny how God doesn’t give you the answer right away?
So the first part of the dream now seems self-explanatory. I’m on this trip and (thought that I was) carrying my old baggage until I realized that no, ‘someone’ has already gave me new things. And yet my instinct was to choose my old ways because I am unfamiliar with my new pack, new life, like I don’t know what to do with it. And with the second half of the dream, as I journey to finding my old ways I would find myself young, or immature, while times slips away. If it makes sense, I am not growing (hence the young self while others grow old) if I were to seek comfort from my old ways.
I believe the sadness is from the Lord. Seeing His child choosing an old rag instead of the perfect, new clothes that He’s prepared for her breaks His heart. Lord, sorry that I resorted to my baggage, which are insecurities and lies that I used to struggle with, instead of experiencing the change with You. Let me see what You see and may my heart be glad for You are good every day of my life.
