It’s been a few weeks since training camp and though I am settling back into my routine, mentally, I’m still in Georgia. Training camp was a life changing experience in itself. We spent ten days working on our relationships with God, dealing with personal shame and discussing self worth. We focused on forgiveness, grieving, ownership, and awareness. As I’m sure you can imagine, these lessons lead to some pretty raw conversations and brought out some of our most painful memories. It was such a blessing to be able to work through things and be vulnerable in such a safe and loving environment.
For most of my life I’ve struggled with shame and self worth issues. It’s something I have been consciously working on for a few years. I’m incredibly proud of the progress I’ve made so far, but I still have some work to do. My time at camp helped me gain a greater understanding of how these issues were not only impacting my day to day life but also impacting my relationship with God. This morning I was browsing through some of my notes on the subject, and would like to share a few things that have really helped me.
What you believe about yourself changes the way you interact with the world, with others, and with Jesus.
This statement was particularly powerful to me. For a long time I didn’t think much of myself. I knew that it affected my daily life but I never thought of the impact that my poor self image was having on others around me or my relationship with God. The person who I thought I was, who I presented myself to others as, was not the person that God created me to be. It was a false self, caused by shame, preventing me from sharing who I really am with others. All that anyone ever saw was this false self. If I was unable to share my true self, how could anyone love me for me? In essence I was depriving the world of the gift that is Caleb. 
So how do I fix it? Where did all of this shame come from?
Shame is created by wounds. Until we forgive, the message continues to have power.
This was a tough one for me. Going into training camp I genuinely thought that I had nothing left to forgive. I felt like I was in a good place with my wounds. I thought that I had let them go and that they no longer had power over me. What I learned is that empathizing away others’ actions and no longer feeling anger towards that person is not the same as forgiveness. Taking responsibility for everything is taking responsibility for nothing. Once I realized this, it didn’t take me long to recognize the wounds I was still holding on to. It was emotional drudging up the past and reliving painful moments, but through this process I was able to pin point my earliest memory of shame.
I honestly feel silly sharing this because it sounds so insignificant but it is something I have carried for a very long time. When I was a child (1st grade) I was a Tiger scout. I don’t remember much about the scouts. I remember visiting a fire station, I remember making a bird feeder out of peanut butter and a pine cone, and I remember that we were supposed to make a pine wood derby car. We were all pretty excited about the pine wood derby race. We were supplied with a block of wood and some plastic tires to take home make our cars. I don’t remember asking anyone for help but I still remember how incredibly alone I felt standing in my basement with a hand saw trying to figure out how to turn that block of wood into a car. I also remember how ashamed and embarrassed I felt that my Dad wasn’t in the picture to help me.
Growing up my Dad wasn’t in the picture much. That relationship had a pretty powerful affect on me and really sparked some of the shame and self worth issues I have struggled with throughout much of my life. Forgiving him has been a process, and hasn’t been easy. It has taken time and required that I grieve moments like my pine wood derby car. I have moved past rationalizing and empathizing and am working towards true forgiveness. Luke 6:28 says “bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.” As a child I felt mistreated, and since training camp I’ve been praying for my Dad. I no longer have a relationship with him, but I also no longer carry any resentment.
These lessons from camp took a while to really sink in, but the wounds are starting to heal and the shame is starting to lift. For those of us who have struggled with shame, self worth, or forgiveness, we no longer have to let memories have power over us or dictate who we are. I will no longer question my self worth because I know who I am. I am a child of God and he is a good, good father!
