In between traveling from country to country, writing every possible thought that I can get down on paper or in a computer screen, and in all the waiting that comes with World Race Life… This has all become pretty normal to me. But how does one actually find themselves in some of the most beautiful places on earth each month and not think “This is my life? How did I get here?”
I finished another moleskine today – my second notebook on the Race. I started this notebook at our last squad debrief in Kathmandu, Nepal… The land of roofs and holes in the walls (very metaphoric to where I was with the Lord when I started this notebook). I finished this notebook in Phuket, Thailand, a destination with a horizon that knows no end to it’s beauty (metaphoric to where I am today with the Lord).
I couldn’t sleep last night, so I awoke for a short morning walk down to the beach with my essential items at sunrise. I flipped the sandals off my feet, let the soft sand run between my little toes, and sat down. I watched as the sky began waking up and listened to worship music as sand stuck to my skin, wind kissing my cheeks hello. My Best Friend whispered that He’s proud to be seen with me and all of a sudden everything small that seemed to matter in my heart melted away and has continued to do so all day at that very thought.
I opened my journal and after working on some word-art, I looked up and around, the sky brighter than it was before. I saw a yellow plastic bag blowing through the wind and giggled because Katy Perry’s Firework popped in my head. “Do you ever feel, like a plastic bag, drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?” Start again. I asked Him what He meant and He told me Begin again.
Between the laughs from our squad as a collective group, the hilarious stories from months before, being poured into intentionally by our leadership team, and spending time with people who have come to make a huge difference in my life, debriefs always tend to give me a sense of finality from the prior season before, but also a sense of beginning; kind of like food for the next portion of the journey when I seem to be running on empty…
This debrief feels different, though. I’m not empty of food anymore, I’m overflowing.
I had a really fantastic one on one with my friend (Alexa) today and it brought on a huge realization about where my heart is. The Lord and I have been talking all month about deeper things from the past, but we’ve also been going through my intentions, yearnings, and dreams for what may be next in our relationship together… Extensively. I hear the whisper Do you trust me? more clearly than I ever have before.
It’s in these moments where I am at a crossroad of feeling like it can’t get any better than this, and Jesus says that there’s still more because He is overflowing, never-ending, and always encompassing the path He leads me on. Can there really be more than this, Jesus? For someone like me? He whispers back with a wind blown Yes. And all I’m left with is the invitation to take a large leap of faith that makes my insides crumble like sweet coffee cake, and plunge into more intimacy with Him in this life we’re living together.
How did I get here? Yes, He gives me the strength to keep going through the day when I am completely restless at night with the thought: More of Him (it’s exciting, who doesn’t lie awake at night with that thought??)… By simply living within the huge ocean of depth He’s called me into, there is nothing else I need to justify. He loves me, He knows my heart’s desires, He’s proud to be seen with me, doesn’t think less of me at all, and will walk with me all the days of my life. I can truly rest in the fact that my Best Friend has got my back and that wherever He may be leading me is going to be just as magical and exciting, if not more exhilarating than what He’s already doing now – and that’s beautiful, because it’s capable of happening anywhere He and I go.
He’s got my full attention – and my trust. No longer am I dragging my heels at the thought of Him. Actually, the thought of Him makes me want to run straight into His open arms. I’m excited to see what’s next, but I am also excited to remain present, fully engaged with where He has me right now, plowing forward as a warrior in His name during these last months on the Race. Yes, this is my life. And it makes my heart burst in more ways than I could ever possibly express.
