I think I’m in love.
It’s when he tells me to look for him in the wind. It barely ever feels windy in Cambodia, and yet, the day he told me to watch and feel for the wind, it was windy; and it smelled like spring within a summer’s heat.
It’s when I’ve got my travelers hair out and down and he whispers in my ear “Hey, Beautiful.”
It’s when I’m holding a passport full of stamps and visas that have brought me around the world in the past half year, and there is still a lot ahead. It’s when I come to the realization that the stamps and places don’t matter. What matters is the people I do this with. What matters at the end of the day is him, and what matters more is that I am doing it alongside him.
The other day, I deep cleaned a squatty potty and four flights of stairs. My team and I have been washing walls together, too. It’s fun. I know what you’re all thinking: (Insert zipper sounds) Wait, holdup. Ashley thought that deep cleaning stairs, a squatty potty, and wiping down walls was fun? Who are you and what have you done with this girl? I know, it’s amazing and awe-inspiring for me just as much as it is for you. The only sure thing I can tell you is that I’ve fallen in love and I’ve learned from my various years of observation and living that when it comes to falling in love, you’ll do almost anything with the person you’ve fallen for.
I thought I understood this concept about four summer’s ago when I worked my last summer lifeguard shift. The truth is that I barely even scratched the surface. My goodness! I was not doing work with joy! Back then, I frowned at the idea of flattening mulch piles and standing out in the hot sun for hours in charge of other’s lives. I hated it, and my actions overflowed. Anyone who saw me knew I wasn’t having a good time. Granted, my emotional life was on the rocks and I barely knew how to talk to God about it. The thought of even going to the community I was around scared the crap out of me, so I exploded on the inside with absolutely no way to let it out. The truth is, he wanted all of me back then, but I was unwilling to give myself up. So he was patient with me; so, so patient.
Who? You may be wondering. Do you know of a love so sweet, tender, and deep that it changes your life from the inside out? Or are you only scratching the surface like I was so many years ago? Do you know a love that sits with you in your crap when you’re ready to open up about it? Love that is patient, has wisdom to offer, laughs with you, smiles with you, and whispers “you’re beautiful” in the morning when you wake up with a case of bed head? The Love that tells you “search for me in the wind” and makes it happen. The Love that has flied and bussed me around the world. The Love that has gone bungee jumping and rafting the Nile with me. The Love that hiked through rivers and mountains and stayed by my side when I struggled. The Love that provided people who were meant to be there with me and show me more of him… At the end of the day, This Love is always there. Wholeheartedly.
It’s hard to place This Love into words. It’s Sacrificial, it’s Everything. For years I never bought into it, never understood it. Until month seven came along and I was riding back to Cambodia from Thailand with my team on a bus. I had flashback upon flashback of millions of “long” bus rides I’ve taken back in the states. It all seemed so normal. He told me that it is. Then I asked him why this life always strikes me as so extraordinary within all the ordinary.
He told me it has nothing to do with me at all. It has everything to do with him, with the Lord. I grabbed hold of life two years ago when I first left the states with him. Since then, he’s taken me on a journey of healing, joy, learning, growth, and romancing me in love. I’ve been trying for years to comprehend and wrap my feeble little mind around This Love. For so long, I wasted what was offered me away in pining for people’s attention and love aside from the true vine and source.
I will no longer and choose to no longer waste away, I will no longer turn away when He asks me to go there, because He’ll always be there. He’s not annoying, His pursuit will always capture me in a way unlike any other, and after encountering This Love in the way I have, there’s no possible way to go back to the same person I was before leaving. His love is transforming, and the only type of Love that can transform a person is the Father’s. It’s so wonderful. He is always there whispering “Hey, Beautiful, lets go on an adventure today,” no matter where I am.
Sending Love from Cambodia,
~Ashley
