I want to become head over heels in love with God. I want to stare Him in the face by reading more of His word, listening to worship music, and praying. I want to be free with Him. I want air in my lungs, I want no boundaries so that God won’t be contained at all. The way He works is so mysterious but it is always good. I want to live in that mindset with my entire being. I want to be joyful always, less judgmental and cynical of others and I want to be disciplined and ready for whatever comes my way because His armor will be around me, all shiny and beautiful. I never want to lose the excitement for life that God placed in me. I want God and nothing else. Mostly, I just want to be able to cross the finish line up there in heaven with Jesus waiting for me, welcoming me with those understanding and forgiving eyes that I’ve seen, arms stretched wide. Because that is what true love looks like.
Bottom of my heart, true statements. That’s all I want. I think about it a lot. Maybe even too much. It consumes my thoughts for a majority of the day. It’s like that girl who really likes a guy and thinks for ages about how he’s shown her that he likes her today (I used to be that girl. I think about her a lot and cringe… Gross). The truth is that my heart has done a complete 180 in the past few years. Between the wanting-to-be-head-over-heels-in-love-with-a-guy-years and figuring-out-God-years (which are ever evolving and growing) and now figuring-out-life-moments, in the end, the only true and constant love, forgiveness, thing, etc.. that I know is God. And the more I contemplate it the more my mind and heart are blown away and overwhelmed.
It often times comes in the mornings when I’m sitting in a bus and heading to the first field of trees to shear. The sunrise is peaking over the mountains and not one sunrise is similar to the day’s before. It comes when the sun is setting after the sky was so dark and it poured rain. It comes when looking out across a huge vastness of land or up at the fluffy clouds as I’m driving in the car and a song I really enjoy listening to comes on. It comes when I laugh at myself for the stupid things I say. It comes when a donation comes through. The “it” is how Big our God is. How much His love matters. How much He cares. And oftentimes these moments are things you needed to be there for. It’s not the type of thing you can instagram or snap and capture in a square photograph. Because even a photograph is contained. There is more beyond the frame.
The thing I love most about Jesus is that He doesn’t ask you to be anything but yourself. He wants you to be unfiltered and as you are. While I’m still figuring out exactly who I am, Jesus still accepts that and walks beside me as I’m learning and figuring that out. The other thing about Jesus I love and admire is that He’s chill with just taking the back seat and that it’s not a huge deal if He hasn’t gotten “shotgun” or recognition for what He does. He’s totally okay in the background. I can meet Him there so much easier than I could if He were the center of attention.
I yearn to be in a place where I can be real and as I am, with Jesus and with others. And Jesus is that place. And it’s beautiful because His heart breaks when we feel bad or wrong or uncomfortable or challenged, but He delights in that because that’s where He can sit and talk with us one on one and in that background place.
Don’t get me wrong. I may say this and that and blah blah blah, but I want to get there. I want to be head over heels in love with Him, because I’m not yet.
I do love Him, but He doesn’t capture me like something else would, and that’s really tough to admit. There is something holding me back and to be completely honest, I have no idea what it is…
I love when I see people recommit themselves to Christ, I love hearing about a ministry that’s made an impact on people and how it came to be (shoutout to Center Shot!), I love hearing about people’s lives and mostly I just love talking about Jesus and what people believe in general. Is this part of what Jesus is all about? Is there more that I’m missing? Sometimes I feel like I’m in a rut and even though all signs are pointing to yes, I feel as if I’m just missing it.
And that’s part of what I have been searching for as I have been on this journey so far. I want to know Jesus and His Holy Spirit so intimately that there is no question about it in my mind that He will always be there and love me no matter what happens. I want God to be the first I go to when things are hard, when there is pain, when there is mourning, etc… Because He should be first. He has literally done all for us, and we oftentimes just sweep Him to the side like it’s nothing.
But it’s not nothing, it’s overwhelming and beautiful and worth everything I own, everything I have, and everything I desire to happen in my life.
If you would like to be a part of this journey with me, please pray about becoming a monthly donor. I need 30 people to commit to giving 50 dollars from this month until the end of the year. I want you to be a part of this journey with me, so even if you would like to email me ([email protected]) and chat about anything at all, my email is always open! :]
All my Love,
Ashley
