I want late night adventures and morning sunrises. Drives in the car or walks along Quincy Drive given the moments I’m in. Conversations that never end and the ability to sit down and meet a stranger that can share their wisdom. I want to sit in stairwells and laugh, sit in laundry rooms and talk about God-knows what. Anything. I want the ability to share my heart and listen to the heart of another while being in the full presence of them; no distractions, no phones, just us. I want to smell summer air and watch the clouds roll by in the blue sky, laying in the grass, barefoot, letting the grass tickle my toes. I want to mud fight and bake fight in a kitchen with flour, dough, and food coloring so at least our mess would be a rainbow. I want to talk about serious things and funny things. I want to shout in passionate fights and not be afraid because in the end we will still make it though whatever it was we were fighting about. I want to play games, run, make art, and simply be, comfortable and ourselves. I want to watch movies, television shows, and read in silence next to a fire. No matter the circumstance, I want to weather the storms of life. I want the simplicity of friendship to reign before the messiness of a deep relationship. I want to have that choice and make that choice freely.
When I first started coming back to God, I remember just praying for Him to bring me someone so I would feel welcome, loved, and complete. Looking back, God definitely brought me those things, but they were different and not in the solidified boyfriend-way that I was looking for.
He instead brought me a friend. Not a friend that was meant for something more, but just a true friend that really cared and desired to walk with me through the storms I was weathering during the period in my life when I was desiring anything but God’s love.
It hurts to write this, but that friend during that time wasn’t enough for me because I wanted more out of it than what God intended. Looking back, my mistake was pushing for more. I read into things that should have stayed at face-value. Discussions on late-night walks and swinging under stars during summer months confused me because I’m an over-thinker and couldn’t believe that someone just wanted to spend true authentic time with me, out of a care that came out of love as a friend, but not in the deeper way that I wanted it to be.
In many ways, I didn’t let God take the reigns. I didn’t spend enough time in prayer or the word, but more time thinking about the ways that this person had shown me they cared so I could try and validate the feelings that were never there on that end. Instead of really appreciating the way this person made me feel as a human being, the feeling was shared and eventually learned to be stuffed away with confusion sitting in the pit of my stomach.
The truth is: I over-thought and took for granted something so simple and beautiful: Authentic Friendship that was always in the hands of God. Despite my wanting to take control and crossing lines that shouldn’t have been crossed, I can honestly look back and see the ways in which God has been in control and how God has saved us from a hurtful falling out.
Right now, silence is the word, though. And for me, it hurts. Not because I’m not getting attention from a person who used to give it to me, but because it’s like I’ve lost a friend that taught me what it was like to be cared for by a true friend. When I lose people for no specific reason, it hurts almost every time because I am (probably too overly) sensitive.
But here’s the thing: Adventures in Missions tells us not to date from the time we get accepted into the Race until the Race is over. I signed up not knowing this rule, but when I read it in the application I thought “YES, lets do this, maybe it will finally free me from my feelings of wanting to date so freaking badly. This will give me more of an incentive to really put God first, let Him take control of the friendships that have seemingly broken over the years and maybe we will finally find restoration.”
People sign up for the race for a variety of reasons, and maybe this is one of them, maybe I’m alone in this… But seriously, I’m not joking around when I say having the restriction of not being able to date while on this journey was a huge pull for me because I don’t think I’ve honestly had a day go by before now when I have simply just desired to be friends with any guy (unless they already had a girlfriend when we met). I’ve always desired more, so you can bet that when I saw this rule, I was all about it because the World Race is just different than other places that have put that restriction on me. I really care about this and I’m really serious about doing this with God. God desires for my heart to change from broken, bitter, and frustrated from my mistakes in the past with people. Putting this “no date restriction” on me is just the beginning of that tough change.
There are days that have been harder than others while following this rule, especially on a college campus. I desire to see a friendship that used to be authentically good be restored. I truly believe that by prayer and petition it can happen (and I’ve been praying a lot about it). I have a really hard time accepting where God calls me to sometimes and it’s very hard for me to accept that I cannot date in the process leading up to launch, but I am sticking by that rule and will not break it because singleness is what God has called me to for this season. Just Him and me on this adventure together.
I truly believe that through this season, God is going to bless friendship and my vision of what authentic friendship truly is… With Him.
I desire all this love and friendship from people (which is important and what I think God desires for us), but my young and naive mind never even thought about the fact that what I desire to have with others is also what He desires to have… With me.
In the beginning of this blog I wrote up a long list of things I would want with someone who is tangibly here with me. Whether it’s a friend, a future lover, or whatever… This list was running through my head the other night as I was walking up the stairs to my room and I was frustrated because I don’t have any of those things with anyone “special” at the moment.
But my heart skipped a beat when this thought / whisper came to my heart:
I want that with you, Ashley.
I want late night adventures and morning sunrises with you. I want drives in the car or walks along Quincy Drive with you. I want conversations that never end and the ability to sit down and meet a nice stranger that shares their wisdom with you. I want to sit in stairwells and laugh with you, sit in laundry rooms and talk with you and listen to you about anything and everything. I want your full presence, no distractions, no phones, just us. I want to smell summer air and watch the clouds roll by in the blue sky, laying in the grass with you, barefoot and letting the grass tickle our toes. I want us to be a beautiful rainbow. I want to talk about serious things and funny things with you. I want you to shout out in passionate fights with me and not be afraid because in the end we will still make it though whatever it was we were fighting about. I want to play games, run, make art, and simply be with you, so you are comfortable and only yourself. I want to watch movies, television shows, and read in silence next to a fire with you. No matter the circumstance, I want to weather the storms of life with you. I want all of you and your heart, no turning back, no regrets. I choose you and I want you to choose me.
Everything changed when I realized that God desires from me the same things I desire from another person. I’m as tangible to Him as another persons actual presence would be to me. He desires a friendship and love with me in a deeper way than I could ever fathom with another person.
And the time for that is right now. Not yesterday, not tomorrow, but right now.
He will always be guiding me forward toward a love that truly never ceases and a friendship that truly cares and desires to see me happy, restored, and fulfilled in whatever need may come next. I simply need to reach out my hand and choose Him, to Date Him.
Maybe you do, too. Date Jesus, Choose Him daily. It’s perpetually the hardest and best decision I try to make every moment of every day. But always worth it in the end.
All my Love,
-Ashley
