In my last blog, I talked about the surface of training camp. The meals, the activities the every day life, the struggle to adapt to an ever-changing environment…learning how to literally go with the flow. It may not sound that harsh on outside looking in. But truth be told, it was a physically demanding experience. More so than I ever thought possible. There were many hardships. Be it lack of sleep, illness (stupid sinuses), exhaustion, soreness and stiffness, and physical injury (my rib cage can personally can testify to this), and bee stings! (Ask my friend Ravi Almeter about his ankle). We all broke, we all struggled in some way. We were in constant pursuit of some kind of comfort.
But it wasn’t only in the physical things, it wasn’t only the things we could see and touch; it wasn’t only the things on the surface. It was deeper; it was something more powerful; it was something beyond ourselves.
The worship at training camp was unlike any I have ever had the privilege of being a part of. It was and incredibly intense experience. It was also very difficult for me. You see, I am a worship leader at my home church. For the last Four years I have played in the worship band, and of those four years, two years have been spent as a worship leader. I also lead worship for our youth group and for a youth group at another church in town. For a long time I have been the one leading the experience, focusing on everyone else’s experience rather than my own. In doing so I had forgotten how to follow others in worship. But that’s not all.
Through the worship time and lessons early on in training camp we were on a spiritual downward spiral (and not the bad kind). I’ll explain. With every session we sank a little deeper into what it truly means to be a follower of Christ. We were breaking down walls and breaking the chains that were holding us back. I Forgave myself of things that I had held onto for so long, I brought things out of my past that I was to ashamed to talk about and shared with the guys of my squad. It was painful, it was terrifying, it was….liberating, it was exhilarating, and it was life changing. Yet, while all this was happening…I still felt…alone. Since before training camp started I have been dealing with some doubt issues. Doubting whether or not I am truly called to be on this trip and doubting whether God is really hearing my prayers. “Is He Really listening?” “ Is He really paying attention?” “ If You are speaking to me God you need to speak up cause I cant hear a thing” these thoughts and feelings were made even worse when we talked about the holy spirit.
We talked a lot about what it is, how it works, what its role is in our lives. I knew all of these things. But I didn’t understand it. In Acts 2, Luke describes the Holy Spirit coming at Pentecost. “They saw what seemed to be flaming tongues that split and came to rest on each of them. All of them filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues as the Spirit enabled them.” (Acts 2:3-4) This is the kind of image I have in my head when I would think of the Holy Spirit. Some spectacular shock and awe type stuff. But then I think, “What does it feel like?” “How do I truly know if the Holy Spirit is working or speaking to me?” “If I hear something, how do I know it’s not just my own thoughts?”
It was a lot to think about. Too much actually. One of our speakers had us do an exercise one night and 3 things happened Told us to go find a partner and pray with each other. My partner was Kelsey (a squad mate of mine) she prayed for me said (I’m going to paraphrase) That I have so much in joy in my heart that is waiting to be let out, that I shouldn’t be afraid of showing it. It floored me. I didn’t know what to say. Because it was true and she had no way of knowing that that was how I was feeling. I was still trying to feel everyone out. Desperately trying to figure out the things would make people like me. The second was when the speaker, Clint, pegged me with out having ever met or talked ever. He looked at me as the session ending asked me my name and said (again, I’m paraphrasing) “Alex, when I see you, I feel like the kind of guy that would help me out of whatever trouble I’m in. If I was ever trapped, I feel like you would be that that would bust me out. If I was ever hurt or injured that you would be the guy that would carry me to safety. That you would get me where I needed to go. That you are a loyal friend that I could depend and rely on. That when things get tough you will be there to help me through.” I had no words. I didn’t know what to say. Because that is exactly the kind of guy that I am. Many people that night were speaking truth, complete strangers hearing exactly what they needed to hear from other complete strangers. The 3rd thing happened the next morning. Clint was speaking again asked everyone who was feeling ill (which I totally was) to come up and asked everyone else to look and if you see some one and you feel God speak to go pray for them. It wasn’t long before a guy fro X Squad came up to me. He said (paraphrased) “I feel God telling me to tell you that you’re doing good work, that things are going to get better, just keep doing what you’re doing.” And once again I was floored.
All my thoughts of doubt and wondering whether or not I was actually being heard were now baseless. God didn’t speak to me directly but through other believers. Remember how I said it got worse? It got worse because I then start to ask, “Why wasn’t God using me to speak truth?” “ Why couldn’t he just tell me himself?” “Why can all of these people hear his voice and I can’t?” (If its not one thing its something else.) I am ashamed to say but I was rather annoyed with it. Then it hits me.
I have seen the Holy Spirit move; I have seen just what kind of power it has, and I know what it can do. It acts on its own time. The deeper our relationship with God gets, the more sensitive to it we become, the easier it will be to discern. Most importantly is that my experiences with the Holy Spirit cannot be compared to others. My experiences were tailored to me and to me alone, the Holy Spirit works in all of us but each I feel is unique to everyone. It meets us where we are and everyone is somewhere just a little bit different.
Pray for me. The God would continue to meet me where I am. That as this journey begins I can become in tune with the Holy Spirit. That I will learn to hear my fathers voice and that I can take his words and speak and life into my squad mates and those who we are ministering to. Those who need it most.
Thanks for reading
Alex Kirby
