Last night, some loving people sat down and started talking about life. I was just there to listen to their stories. That’s all I wanted.
Little did I know that God had something else in store for me.
For awhile now I have been letting go of my past way of life (perfectionism and emotional walls) and I have made tremendous progress by God’s grace.
Tonight God brought some things up in me. Abby, my squad leader, was talking about a really great life changing experience she went through. I was really enjoying hearing her heart. I don’t know what caused this in her, but she started asking me questions about my life. I had a mixture of feelings: excitement that someone wanted to spend time getting to know me and fear that I would say the wrong thing.
I don’t think I’ve ever had that many questions asked about me at once. It was beautiful because it was never pushy. It was just Abby, my squad leader, and Ben, my squad mentor with me.
I was able to really be vulnerable and say exactly what I wanted to say.
It’s funny how God works. He tears down your walls in His timing and then He makes you feel connected to people by being vulnerable.
A vulnerability hangover is a term coined by Brene Brown and is essentially what you feel after you think you have shared too much in a conversation. You may want to hide and avoid being vulnerable for a while.
That’s kind of what I was feeling after the conversation. I kept replaying some of my answers thinking, “Did I say that right?” and “Oh no, I hope they didn’t take that to mean something I didn’t intend.” and “Darn it, I meant to say this instead of what I actually said.”
In the past, I have driven myself crazy dwelling on that stuff. I’ve come to realize (through the wisdom of Brene Brown) that what keeps me from sharing is shame. Shame that I will say the wrong thing. Shame that I won’t be accepted. Shame that I am not good enough for someone to love.
Shame is not from God. If it’s not from God, its from the devil. I don’t want the devil to have any foothold in my life, so I don’t want shame to be present either.
I think shame is what causes me to want to avoid the people I was just vulnerable with.
In reality, those people love me dearly and accept me, and even more, God accepts me JUST AS I AM. I don’t have to change. I can come to Him just as the mess I am.
So my vulnerability hangover has turned into a vulnerability high of understanding that we are made for connection. That connection can’t happen without vulnerability. So, God called me to vulnerability in order to connect me to the people who love and accept me. I believe He is doing the same for you. What are you going to do?
*Comment below with a time when you were vulnerable with someone and they’re response showed you more of God’s love for you
