This is a year of being real. I don’t want to hide behind distance and use miles as an excuse to not be vulnerable. I think this is the perfect time to start it out.
I’ve been feeling really drained. Numb would probably be another word to describe my heart. I cried so many tears before I left for Atlanta 3 weeks ago. Like, a LOT of tears. Maybe that’s why I was stuck – because my heart hurt from saying so many goodbyes (that’s actually a good thing though because I’ve seen how much I am loved).
Regardless of why, I was stuck. I have really loved my time so far in the Dominican Republic. It has been a rich time of hearing from God. But I didn’t feel like myself.
I love people. I enjoy their life stories, hearing of their struggles, and just being in their presence (though I consider myself an introvert). However, I have had a tough time feeling connected. I didn’t feel connected to my family and friends in the States nor did I feel connected to my squad or my team. I was just floating. I kinda felt like Katy Perry in her song “Firework” when she says, “Do you ever feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind wanting to start again.” That’s how I felt.
I knew it wasn’t normal, but I was stuck. This lasted for the first 2 weeks of my time on this journey. I was faithful to my ministries and gave what I could. I just needed God to break me open.
God did break me open. Just not in the time frame I expected.
I heard a devotion one Sunday morning (one week after arrival into the DR) and it was about Jesus’ crucifixion. I had heard this story so many times, but it struck me in a new way. When Jesus hung on that cross for the sins of the world, He took on EVERY SINGLE PERSONS’ sins that ever was and ever will be. He took on the full weight of them. In that process, He could no longer be in connection with the Father. That tie had to break while He took on those sins. He was completely alone on that cross.
I felt alone in the DR. Not at all to the extent that Jesus felt, but when I heard that, I no longer felt alone in my struggle. I knew Jesus had gone through worse and was with me now. I had true comfort.
I have felt led to wake up earlier and spend alone time with God. That has been filling me up to get through the day and allowed me to truly be present to hear people’s stories. I have felt so much peace! God has provided so many great friends in my squad and at home that I just needed to open my eyes to see.
It’s humbling and comforting to know that God has and will continue to provide! He is so so good.
*Comment below and tell me how God is providing for you! It’s so encouraging to hear how God is working in so many lives uniquely.*
