Another lesson from the Willow Creek Leadership Summit a few weeks ago. Joseph Grenny led a session about “Crucial Conversations,” a book he wrote in 2002. It was so inspiring that I had to pass it on through my blog…
For the past several months, I’ve been slowly learning how to handle conflict correctly. I have a tendency to avoid conflict and will instead keep my thoughts/feelings to myself. That is not healthy…for my spirit nor my relationships.
When I write about crucial conversations, I’m specifically talking about those conversations that are high-stakes, risky, and emotional. Having these conversations as soon as they arise is usually the best way to resolve quickly. Often, if I wait to address conflict, I won’t ever address it or I will get bitter toward the other person.
The crazy thing about this is that it can take only 4 seconds to get from a casual conversation to a crucial conversation. It could just be a miscommunication or it could be a joke that hurt someone. Regardless, it’s important to have these conversations.
Joseph Grenny mentioned that you can measure a relationship by looking at how many non-discussables there are.
This blew my mind!! How many times am I allowing my friendships to suffer because I don’t invite others to say the hard truth? And how many times am I avoiding speaking the truth into my friends’ lives because I’m afraid they will get hurt?
This needs to change! We need to start getting real with our friendships, instead of walking on eggshells to avoid hurt feelings. In the process, we are hindering the depth of our relationships.
This doesn’t mean you can just go up to everyone and attack them with the truth. NO! I mean, give and get permission to be real and unfiltered. This is ONLY through love.
Grenny’s other point: People don’t become defensive about what you’re saying. They become defensive about why they think you’re saying it.
We need to make our motivations and purposes known – no assumptions. We need to create a safe environment that has a culture with love, crucial conversations and conflict resolution at its foundation.
We can foster this environment with two ingredients:
1) Mutual purpose. “You know that I care about your goal.”
2) Mutual respect. “You know that I care about you.”
I truly believe with both of these said at the beginning of the conversation, a completely different conversation is possible.
Remember that the conversations that often mean the most are the hardest to have. But that should give us more motivation to have them!
Love
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