“It’s not wrong that I had a great upbringing, but I still have pain.”
Where Did I Get Lost?
I have felt dumb all my life.
Validations include: slow speech, horrible memory, studying was always hard, and teachers grew impatient with me. I was tested in fourth grade, which proved my learning disability (and can’t even remember the name of it).
Low self-esteem was real from the get-go.
And it’s an on-going frustration.
It’s difficult to articulate my thoughts, and I acknowledge the signals of annoyance or restlessness from people listening to me. It’s difficult to encourage when I can’t find words in my brain to say it. What value do I hold if I’m not smart or quick enough for wit? I only participate in “dumb” humor– it’s easier to understand.
This is why I had almost no friends in my high school. The only friends were boys. And these boys turned into boyfriends. First one in 10th grade, second was 11th- first year of college. My value inherently became my status and outward appearance. If I could date a “cool guy” then I will no longer be invisible. Or weird.
This is what high school taught me: You’re either popular or you’re nothing.
I knew I was fake. I knew if my boyfriend broke up with me, I’d be a nobody again. My life became the road to conformity, and on the way I got lost.
Please enjoy these two photos of straight-haired, choker-girl, high-school Jenny:
After a heart-wrenching break-up, I truly believe I adopted the belief “I am unloveable.” I chose to be single in my whole college career not because I was strong and independent, but because I was scared. My heart and mind were also focused almost entirely on the Worldrace.
This journey, called the Worldrace, was an eleven-month mission trip. I did not thrive in my walk with Jesus. My pit grew deeper when I felt so utterly disconnected with my team of five other ladies. All the lies I shoved down, exploded back up and drowned me in despair. It was the most-challenging, depressing, and loneliest season of my life so far. It was evident on many occasions, I was not valued on the team (because maybe I wasn’t smart enough to hold an interesting conversation? Or no one appreciated my type of humor?) I was stuck in my rut.
BUT, the light in all this was realizing I’d rather be playing or doing “little kid” things. People knew I was struggling, but my constant encouragement was “you still radiate joy.” I came alive whenever we were playing with kids. I’m totally in my zone when I get to speak slower with much enthusiasm.
I gained 20 pounds on the Worldrace. Fat pounds. And I missed having friends.
When I despised the way I looked and hated my lonely predicament, it paralyzed me. My “worth” was stripped away. My narrative was “if I am not pretty and if I am not wanted, I am nothing. There’s literally nothing I have to offer.”
So how did I climb out of this pit you may ask?
I don’t know. What I do know is it is a pain. It’s a false narrative that still lingers deep down in my soul. It’s a constant battle to defeat with God’s truths about me. What I do know is writing this out has already released a small exhale.
I think a question we all need to ask ourself is “what put me in this pit of pain?” or “Where did I get lost?” or “Why am I not alright?”
What I am currently learning is:
1. Pain exists. Evil exists.
2. No one is immune to pain.
3. Pain internally does not go away unless you recognize it
4. God sends rain on the righteous and unrighteous (Matthew 5:45)
5. Pain can be torture if we don’t deal with it.
When we’re stuck in our pain, we can’t dream. We can’t live authentically. Our hope is deferred.
Pray this with me:
“Lord, my pits are not new to you. Help me investigate my emotions and these false narratives I subconsciously believe. Please provide clarity. Help me see freedom is possible. You are a chain-breaker, a miracle-worker, and my loving Father. Thank you for a perfect love that never lets me down. Amen.”
