Truth is,
My faith has been wavering up to month 9. On March 2, 2016 my team was cut off on the road by armed men in a pick-up truck. They jumped out with their guns and yelled to make us get out. Lauren, our host, swerved back on the road and sped away.
These few seconds of time tested my trust and reliance on the lord like no other. I was helpless. In the front seat with 7 other jam-packed girls, I was motionless. I begged and I wept.
God spared us. But the troubling thoughts kept swarming in: “God may not save us,” and “He doesn’t care for me.” To be frank, I don’t understand His glory and because of this, accepting my identity in Him has been shaky.
Truth is,
I have not been close to God. I have not considered myself to be a strong Christian missionary. I choose skyping friends and family, engaging in Netflix, or practicing yoga on my free time instead of pressing in to Him. I struggle to love God.
Truth is,
I’m not perfect. Never will be. I will never fully understand God’s glory. I may struggle accepting my free gift of salvation for several years to come.
Truth is,
I’m a doubter. I’m a sinner who needs Jesus’ supernatural strength one day at a time to get by. When Jesus pours in, only then can I pour out.
The older I get the more I battle fear. There have been many days I’ve accepted my doubts and my fears as if there was nothing I could do about them. Too many days I’ve felt defeated before I even open my mouth to try and pray. Too many days I’ve been too busy, too tired, too overwhelmed, too afraid to pray.
My devotional book once said: ” today, I know you’re weary. You give your all day after day, but this race of life is more taxing than you ever expected.”
Bullseye. This is me. But what I am now seeing is that “this is not a race to find first place, but a race to experience His infinite grace.” And yes, indeed, His grace blows me away. My wavering faith and safety-driven self has been given grace.
Truth is,
Team Ezer had favor from the Lord that night. I may never know why he chooses to save some and not others, but that’s okay. I’m choosing today to believe He loves me. He loves my imperfect self, and I am still called even during the end of the race to run alongside my redeemer, my rescuer, my hero, my champion. Because He is here cheering me on. He says “don’t stop running, and don’t stop reaching for me who will give you breath when all your breath is gone.”
Those long seconds of begging for mercy was one of the biggest blessings I’ve received on this journey. “Because praying–reaching outward and upward to Him– is the way His passion comes down.” Because the passion of prayer drowns out the shouts of fear.
Truth is,
On month 9, I am choosing to trust He cares for His people. I am choosing to trust He wants imperfect people to draw near and believe He hears and cares. I will choose to keep praying. “And then standing with a face raised expectantly to the sky, like someone waiting for rain, and watching Him provide it: His undeniable grace.
