It’s amazing how God can speak to you sometimes. Today for example, but before I continue let me explain what has been going on in this little head of mine or at least try…
For the past two months, I have been struggling spiritually, physically, and emotionally. I felt lonely, misereable, and I felt like no one really understood and in my head not even God. Yep, I said it. I felt horrible and I just couldn’t seem to let things go and I kept pushing God away. Bearing the weight of the world on my shoulders, wanting to do everything on my own. Taking care of everyone alone and along the way falling into my old patterns of sin.
I kept thinking “How can you do this Gen? How do think God will use you for His kingdom when your pushing God away? How can you say you love God, but sin again and ignore Him?” all these questions flowing and overwhelming me with shame.
This morning as I was washing dishes I had been putting off since yesterday, I had my “Holy Spirit” playlist playing. Then came “Let it rain” by Eddie James. While this song was playing I began asking God for an awakening. Asking Him for His presence and asking for forgiveness. As the song continued all the sudden a peace like no other overcame me.
I had a vision and in this vision I was sharing a testimony about a young girl I had met who was a prostitute in the streets of asia and in this vision I was broken for her, I wanted to share God with her. I asked her “Why?” she said “it is the only life I know…” I told her that there was someone who said other wise, she asked “Who?” I told her “God..” and with tears and curiosity in her eyes she asked “Who is this God you’re talking about?” my response “He is the God of Love, the creator of the sun, moon, and the stars… the God who loves you to the ends of the earth, the one who holds your heart in His hands and He wants so much more than this for you…” and that is where I was overwhelmed with His goodness.
I had this vision that cut me to the core. I realized He has me in His hands. I was so touhed I had forgotten the God who I look up to. The God who has called me by name. The God who created me for a purpose. He created me for so much more.
It is hard to let go of things, but with Christ all things are possible. It is easier to believe the lies of the Devil, because sometimes those lies are all that you have heard or at least that is what the devil wants you to believe. I read somewhere that stress comes from the designlingment of Gods will and your life. Because you know what has to be done, but yet we chose to do other wise. I believe this to be true, I am living testimony of this. I will struggle, I will fall, and I will break. But the more I struggle the more impact my testimony will have, the more I fall the more humble I will become, the more I break the more room for Christ to reign in my life.
Everyday asking God to restore my heart, everyday putting my flesh to death, and everyday seeking God in the midst of chaos. Easier said than done, but never impossible.
