I am at best surviving.
I so desire to be thriving, but that is just not my current reality.
The past few days I was stuck in a victim spirit where everything my co-leaders said to me was an attack on me. I couldn’t see past their intentions, change the atmosphere and love them back. I had nothing left in me. It was as if I was done fighting for greatness and I was willing to live in mediocrity.
This is not me at all.
I am a huge proponent for people to engage in conflict and have the hard, uncomfortable talks that need to happen. I was in a place where I didn’t want to be the one to engage. I wanted other people to engage me first. So I waited and nothing happened. I grew distant from them and tried to spend more time with God.
This is great, but as a leader in my life always says, “There is a big difference between isolation and solitude. Isolation is dangerous as you are alone with your thoughts: Solitude is with the Father”.
I was on the line with this one. I chose to not engage with people and I came into a dark place. It was another reminder to me about how important it is to have people involved in our lives. Life with JUST God is not how He created it to be. He made Adam and said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” We were meant to live in relationship with one another and work together with the people God places around us.
Sometimes the people around us are a pain in the butt to work with. Sometimes it’s freaking difficult and it’s hard to push through and fight for reconciliation. But it’s always worth it in the end. ALWAYS. What ended up happening is my co-leader Charles came to me and finally broke the silence. We were able to talk stuff out between the 2 of us. Later that night I brought up where I was at with the rest of the leaders. I was able to talk through stuff and receive great feedback from them. All my frustrations weren’t solved that day, but it was a start to a process. It was one of those moments where my spirit was willing, but my flesh felt so weak. I’m beginning to pick up my sword and fight again. I desire to thrive, not just survive.
I leave Mongolia in 9 days. I head to the States and will be in Gainesville, Georgia from Oct. 10th-Nov. 3. I will be debriefing then helping out with a Training Camp. Then I fly to Florida to spend a few days with an old squad mate to see what God is doing in her city with a church planting movement. Then I fly back to Canada on Nov. 6th. I will spend 1 month there and then fly back out to my squad for a debrief. After that, I will get home, celebrate Christmas and then God knows what next. I’m not worried one bit about it. God is always faithful and shows me what I need to know when I need to know it. I trust He will do so as I stay tuned into His voice and pursue relationship with Him.
To help me in a spiritual way as I finish my time here in Mongolia, pray that I end well and Holy Spirit blows my expectations of what I foresee these last few days to look like. He does immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, so I am expecting something Big. God always blows our expectations and does so more and more based on our faith. So partner your faith with me and believe for Big things during these last days.
If you would like to help me in a physical way, I am still raising support. I am $1620 away from being fully funded. To donate, click on the donate button at the top of the page and follow the instructions.
To help me in an emotional way, send and encouraging or prophetic word via email or Facebook. This would truly bless me!
