I grew up in a Christian family. I went to church every Sunday. I did the right things, said the right words and prayed the right prayers. I learned to be perfect. It was tough because I was doing it mostly on my own strength. But, nevertheless, I worked at it. I was a righteous person and I knew it.
In public school I would look at the other kids who went to church and judge them. “They claim to be Christians? That’s not how a follower of Jesus acts”. I was the good Christian kid. I never did drugs. I never drank a sip of alcohol. I went to every Bible study, youth group night and Sunday school. I could probably count on my hands how many times I missed church growing up. I had it together and other people were simply missing it. Or so I thought.
In 2011/2012 I was 20 years old and was in my first year of Bible College. That whole year God was showing me how judgmental I was and was helping me through it. He placed many people in my life to be patient and gentle with me and to call out my pride and judgment. They taught me that the thoughts going through my head were negative thoughts and that I need to take them captive and replace them with the truth. I began to do that and it was very difficult at first. I had so many judgmental thoughts running through my head. But as time went on, it became more natural to take the negative thoughts captive and replace them with truth.
The summer after that school year, I was hanging out with one of my best friend’s, Caleb Hart. We were sitting in my car one evening chatting about this subject of judging people. Caleb was one of the most influential people to help me in this area. He loves people so much and has so much grace for sinners. As we were talking, God gave me a vision. In this vision I was wearing Pharisee robes. Then someone came and took the clothes off of me and someone came and put a crown on my head. At first I thought that Jesus took my clothes off and placed a crown on my head. But then God spoke to me saying,
“No Jordan, I told satan to take those clothes off of you. I have authority to do that. And it was Me that placed the crown on your head. It represents Sonship. You are my son Jordan. You are not a self righteous Pharisee anymore. I freed you from that”.
God did a lot of healing in my heart that night. He replaced my old identity of a Pharisee with a new one of a child of God. I wish I could tell you that I have been perfect since then. I wish I could say that I don’t judge Christians anymore. Negative thoughts still come and I have to take them captive. Some days I do really good, and some days not so much. I’ve noticed a common theme in my life where I will often judge the people I love the most. I am most critical of the people closest to me. Part of that comes from the flesh and sinfulness in me. But some of it comes out of wanting the very best in their lives. I desire people to be like Jesus so they can love the world well. I am learning to distinguish whether I am being critical out of negativity or whether it is something I just so desire for their life. Being critical is not a bad thing if it is pushing people closer to Christ. But if the critical thought turns negative and grows anger and disappointment, then it is not a good thing.
I have been dealing with this lately with my teammates. I love them so much, and desire Godly growth in their lives. But if I see a fault, instead of loving them in it and bringing them closer to Jesus, I have been allowing the thoughts to fester and build up. I stay silent and do nothing with the thought and It brings separation between our friendship.
Jesus handled this so well. He would see people’s sin and instead of getting really upset about it, He would love the person and point them to a better life. He never ignored it and hoped the thought went away. He took the thought captive and loved them despite how bad people were.
I am not there yet, but man do I want to be. I want to be like Jesus. I hate hurting people with my words and actions. I hate having Pharisaical thoughts and instead of loving, getting upset. I want to love others. I want to be a man who has compassion on people no matter the faults in their lives. I want to be full of grace and mercy. I am a son of God and by His grace I will get there. To the countless people in my life that I have hurt because of critical thoughts not handled correctly, I am sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I love you so much. I want God’s best for you. Please forgive me. Keep calling me out when I am not living like Christ. I need you in my life to call out the negative things in me.
Your grateful brother in Christ,
Jordan Tarant
