I’m not that Racer
What I’ve learned on the World Race:
-Life doesn’t make more sense when you live in another country.
-You don’t leave your insecurities at home, you pack them with you and while you cross oceans they grow.
-New people aren’t any easier to understand or get along with than people from home.
-Just because you are on a “mission trip” doesn’t take away the struggle to sit down and do quiet time consistently.
When I was accepted for the World Race I had dreams and expectations of what I thought my race would look like. Those expectations were derived from my own ideas of what I thought travel looked like, blogs I read online, and previous racers I spoke with. Through training camp these expectations changed and developed. I wanted to be the perfect Racer. The Racer who always serves others and is the first to volunteer. The Racer who doesn’t care about wifi. The Racer who didn’t watch movies or zone out with my headphones but rather always sought out conversation with my teammates. The understanding Racer, flexible and go with the flow. The Racer who gave and received feedback well. The Racer who has valuable insight into conflict resolution and problem solving. The fun free Racer with the cool head in crisis. The Racer everyone loved.
I’m not that Racer
The most important thing I’ve learned on the Race is that I can’t strive for perfection because I can’t achieve perfection. I wanted to be a new person on the Race. It was a fresh start with fresh people. People who didn’t know who I was at home so I could be this new perfect person I imagined, then, when I came home, I could remain the person I “learned” to be on the race. I quickly found that my insecurities packed themselves. My fears of failure slipped in beside them. My temper flew out to South Africa to greet me. I love to serve but sometimes I don’t volunteer to get up from where I’m comfortable. I still have the choice to choose out, and sometimes, I do. I watch movies and sit in my corner with my headphones, wishing I could just get away on my own for 1 hour. I don’t always say the right thing and sometimes I make matters worse with my sharp tongue. I stress out and get frustrated when the chaos sets in. I am not the perfect Racer I hoped to be. I’m halfway through with this race and I’m not perfect!! WHAT?!?
Im not perfect, and what a lesson that is. Every month presents a new way to learn how imperfect I am. Its a beautiful mess, but my team loves me anyway. They give me feedback to help me grow. They make me feel loved and appreciated. They show me I am valued. We don’t always get it right. They aren’t perfect either and sometimes they drive me crazy, but together we walk the race. Learning how to love each other. How to value each other.
I want to be the Racer who is honest about my feelings. The Racer who is genuine. The Racer who admits when I’m wrong. The Racer who has boundaries. The Racer who values and appreciates my teammates.
I am working on being that Racer.
