In February of 2013, I found myself in bed trying to decide the quickest most efficient way to end my life. I was consumed by loneliness, agony, helplessness and the list goes on. How did I get here? I couldn’t breath. A hole in my chest, I pulled my arms tight around me to keep from falling to pieces. I stared at the ceiling falling deeper and deeper into despair. How did I get here? The dark days, as I call them, began and lasted until April. 2 whole months I slept all day, worked all night, then crawled back into bed. I watched Twister on repeat, not having the mental capacity to pick another movie. I stumbled through my job at work, not speaking or engaging just trying to get through the night. Counting the minutes till I could be alone again. To many questions were asked, to many sympathetic looks were given. This quiet Emily was strange and no one really knew what to do with her.
I love to laugh and play and smile! I grew up in a loving supportive home where I was never lacking encouragement or affection. Nope, I couldn’t have depression. Its not even a real thing. 2013 was one of the hardest years I have ever faced. Heartache I thought was going to be the death of me and when it wasn’t, I wanted to end my own life. I cried out to the Lord, I thought I heard you say…..was I wrong?? If i was wrong about this what else have I been wrong about. Jesus, do I even know your voice. If I don’t even know your voice then who am I?….. Who am I?
I was wrecked and confused. Lost. Heart broken. Destroyed. Damaged goods. Even if Jesus wanted to use me, he couldn’t now.
In April I turned off Twister. In May, I began engaging with my friends again, and by June I could smile. It took time, it was a process like so many things.
I recognize it now. I struggle with depression. It is a part of my life and unless the Lord removes it, I will continue to struggle with depression. However, I have learned that it does not have to rule my life!! I do not have to listen to my emotions because I know TRUTH! I am loved beyond words by my Jesus! He died on a cross to save my life, and He thinks I am amazing and WORTH IT! I was worth His life =) His love for me is infinite, and when those feelings of insecurity and failure seek to steal my joy, I run to Jesus. I recognize those lies and I know what to do with them.
Depression sucks. Plain and simple. If you are like me and struggle with dark days that consume the light. Satan will tell you that no one understands, that you are by yourself and life has no meaning. He will lie to you, specific lies that target your deepest fears and insecurities and he will bury you in them. I want you to know that you are NOT alone. Depression is real and there are others out there who understand your pain. I understand that its hard to explain, it just hurts. I understand the desire to crawl under your blankets and hide from the world. I understand and I want you to know its ok. Your feelings and emotions are yours. Its ok to feel depressed, its what you do with those feelings that matter.
Let Jesus remind you in that moment who he says you are and you will experience an intimacy with the Lord you never thought possible!! Depression can provide Jesus with a special way to lavish you with love and affirmation and the peace that follows is as strong as the heartache! He loves to love you!! Depression is an intense emotion, but so is love. Jesus transforms and renews. Depression has no place in the presence of the Lord, so lay it at his feet. He cares about your depression and he wants fill you you with His truth. You are loved. You are not alone. You are special. Jesus takes the dead and gives them life. He takes the old and makes it new. He takes depression and replaces it with JOY!!
