On March 8th Gap V arrived in Cambodia.
Our travel was once again not smooth – we’re blessed and highly favored…but not in flight travel. Long story short, what was supposed to be a fancy, restful 23 hour layover in Los Angeles never happened. We had a weather mishap and had to separate into small groups and go to three cities in the US before Los Angeles to all get there in our 24 hour window to make a long flight to China (and later Cambodia) from LAX. It was controlled chaos. It wasn’t ideal…again. It made the already difficult transition from Central America to Asia even more jarring.
The first week in Battambang was hard.
I’ve never lived in a country for 3 months then transitioned to a new one while leading. On the 11n11 world race you never really settle in a country – transition is constant. But Guatemala certainly turned into a home. I was a regular with a punch card at a coffee shop. I never, ever needed a map. I ran into locals and made small talk like I do at Kroger in Georgia. Then we left, and arrived in a place where I can’t speak the language, I have to a stare at my phone to get anywhere and god bless, it’s hot and sticky here (very different from the beautiful, temperate climate in Guatemala.)
My attitude plummeted.
Things that normally didn’t bother me dug in, and festered.
I cursed under my breath when chores were forgotten; I rolled my eyes and stepped over tiny tumble weeds of hair in our room (because 18 girls can really shed) instead of picking it up and saying nothing; I stared at my hands with intense focus so I wouldn’t look at the people around me when we weren’t on time yet again for a meal or a meeting. I saw self interest reign and I said “whatever, I don’t care.”
Thanks God for jet lag because getting up at 5 am to sit with the Lord on our balcony was very easy for the first week. In the early light as the street dogs wandered around below me, and the monks started their calls from the down the block, I prayed for grace. “God please please give me grace for everything around me. Help me speak in love, help me not grow frustrated. What’s wrong with me Lord?? I’m not normally like this…right?”
It didn’t really change things. If anything I grew more frustrated as the week went on, because I had strong spiritual rhythms, and I was still feeling so out of character.
Then on a call with our squad mentor Kate, she reminded me that first I had to have grace for myself. I could not extend grace to my squad if I was spiraling in my own head. My problems were being exponentially magnified because I wasn’t just angry for the small thing: I was angry at myself for being angry at the small thing – and that’s a much bigger issue.
The next morning while on the balcony, I said, “I’m sorry Lord that I’ve made this about me. I need grace for me. I am the barrier here, no body else. Remind me that you have grace for me, please, all day Lord.”
Things began to change then. I said, “I don’t need to be perfect AND I’ll love them extra.” I started writing notes, and bought a giant piles of snacks. I didn’t pursue coffee shops with just my fellow leader, but with racers too. I said hard things and corrected people out of love, and not anger and (would ya imagine that), it was way better received.
Every day, we need God’s grace for ourselves. I AM going to have a few weeks where I’d rather be in another place with other people. I AM going to think reminders are dumb sometimes. I AM going to be tired of sweat and gravity work against me as I become a human fountain.
Then, there’s grace. God says, “I forgive you. Focus on me instead.” Or “you know how much I love you. Focus on this gift instead.” And I can wallow in my own mistakes, or move on because the Lord has already moved on to the next thing for me.
In Guatemala there was a culture that constantly said “Thanks, God”. Then we got to Cambodia and started saying “why God?” I’m writing to declare that saying “thanks God” isn’t determined by my physical location. I will say “thanks God” for grace, and 19 year olds, and sweating, and new things.
