I received a new nickname while squad leading. Big surprise based on the title of this blog – it’s mom.
****Disclaimer before going on about what this means to me: I recognize I am indeed not even close to being a mom. I haven’t given birth to anyone or legally adopted a child. Plus I’m only 9 years older than most of my squad, a creepy amount of years older to be called a mom. I know there is so so SO much more to that incredible title, and this is only a comparison.
As a kid being called mom is a serious dig. No one wants to be “mommed” by their peer. In high school being called mom realllllly sucks, because ya know what people don’t do? Date their moms. Ouch. And I have for sure been called that in order to get me to leave people alone, and it hurt.
Honestly I was born maternal. Just ask my younger brother, Joey. I pretended I was his second mom forever. Which is stupid because I’m only 3.5 years older, but that didn’t stop me as an incredibly precocious and bossy kid.
“Mom” is in my blood. It’s also something I tried REALLY hard not to be for a while, because it was rooted in unhealthy habits.
Clearly this word is complicated and has a long history for me.
At training camp I met this band of weirdos and thought “Ooook. These are the ones God has given me.” I’m going to grow as a shepherd for them. But, that didn’t necessarily include warm and fuzzy feelings. For sure, not their mom. I mean, I enjoyed them, but it was just people.
(Fun fact: since training camp, I’ve learned I was called “The cool squad leader”. Thanks? Wear a backwards hat and get tattoos and it makes 18 year olds feel safe, I learned. But it’s also lame, like “I’m not a regular mom, I’m a cool mom.” Yikes.)
In the first few months in Ecuador, I think being called mom was the same dig from when I was in high school. Like the affectionate but for sure passive aggressive vibe -“stop telling me what do”, “stop worrying”, “I know the rules already”, “don’t worry it’s fine!”. Which honestly is understandable.
I’m leading 35 people who very recently, aka the day before leaving, have lived with their parents their whole lives. And me and two other people stepped in to be their direct authority. The comparison is there. So I didn’t let it bother me, but also really didn’t encourage the title.
But over time the vibe changed. People realized I’m not here for control, or overseeing arbitrary rules. I’m just here. Here for it all. The good, the great, the sad and the scary.
I’ve come to realize what amazing things moms do that I can do without being anyone’s actual mom: because of the love Jesus has freely given me, I have poured out more love than I ever thought I could, encouraged more growth than I thought I knew how, and I expect nothing in return.
These are all real situations for me:
You learned something and lots of things makes sense to you now? That’s awesome! I’m happy for you!
You were cruel and said something you didn’t mean to say? I forgive you, there’s always grace, and here’s how that’s going to go differently next time.
Something ridiculous is happening and you want me to know about it? I’m ready to laugh, do tell.
You need a little pep talk and/or cheerleader? Here I am, send me!
You don’t want to carry this burden anymore? Let me show you how to give it to Jesus and let it go.
You’re sad and can’t sleep because you’re overwhelmed? I’ll sit up with you until 2 am, and remind you that you’re not crazy, or alone.
You want to say terrible things about yourself? Nope. We don’t do that, because that’s not how God talks about us.
There’s a monster in your head telling you horrific things? Let me know show you how to fight back with the truth about who you are, because I believe in you with all my heart to do that.
You are overjoyed because of the cool thing that happened today at ministry? Proud of you! Tell me alllllll about it.
Someone hurt you just now? I’m sorry that happened to you. Here’s how to give feedback. You are capable of teaching and demanding different treatment than what you’ve experienced in the past.
You need to cry? I’m not surprised or scared. Join the club.
You have a question? I’m not surprised or scared. Join the club.
Your body is doing something weird? I’m not surprised or scared. Join the club.
ok, ok, ok. Message received, I know. This is my daily. My EVERY day situation. There’s a lot of crying, laughing, and questions. (Sweet lord in heaven, the questions.)
Let me be clear: Without Jesus, I would have ran out of love A LONG TIME AGO. Like maybe day 17. I’m really, really tired and that’s ok.
This is not the same for me as being a best friend. Friends give and receive. Racers give me notes and treats and buy me snacks (mostly Doritos, Oreos and Gatorade – I have the treat preference of a 14 year old boy). But truly I am here for THEIR journey, they’re not here for my mine. There’s a separation of vulnerability that’s never existed before. I have my own peers and teachers that help me carry my burdens. Because of this separation I have an even greater appreciation for what a parent carries and doesn’t get back.
As a chid, being a little mom was something that satisfied me because it meant I was in control. It was inflicted upon people, and it had not a lot to do with love.
I AM NOT in control of these people, and I have no desire to be.
These (young) adults are PERFECTLY capable of fighting their battles, seeking Jesus and succeeding. I GET to be there next to them showing them my own relationship with Jesus and giving away what’s been given to me in 27 years. I am not their babysitter – they don’t need that. I GET to do the small things that add up to a whole a lot of trust, and permission to push people into uncomfortable growth. I have so much compassion: my heart grows 3 more sizes when things click for them, and I weep when days for them seem like too much.
So, I’m not their actual mom. Far from it. (Although can we acknowledge how strange it is to have 35 kids at once as opposed to one at a time? lol)
This is just a tiny taste of caring people so much it’s difficult to explain.
I’m thriving, and I believe I am the most useful for the kingdom I’ve ever been. I am a person who loves them with all I have, and wants more than anything to see them succeed, who has the nickname Mom.
PS. They have amazing real moms at home that are dying to see them in two weeks and I can’t wait to see you all!
