I had a short dream about two weeks ago. In it, I opened a door and walked into an unfamiliar room. I’m not sure exactly “where” this room was – it seemed like a house but I don’t know. The room isn’t the point.
When I walked in, I saw my old World Race squad.
The rest of the dream was just laughing, crying, and hugging people. I only remember a few specific faces – Ronny, Jarin, Jasmine, and Melody were definitely there – but I knew they were all there. I told them I missed them, but that was it. There was no talk of the race, and I don’t even know the context of the scenario I had found myself in. Maybe they were back home, or maybe in my subconscious I was back on the race with them.
I woke up smiling, and I’m honestly kind of surprised that was the outcome. A few months ago a dream like that would have sent me into a whirlwind of emotion, and not in a good way.
But when I woke up, and was lying in bed mentally recapping what I had just “seen,” my only thought was “That was nice.”
The thing is, in a few brief minutes within that dream, I got the thing I had so desperately wanted back in July: to stand face-to-face with my squadmates one last time, hug them, and say goodbye. I know that this encounter wasn’t real, but it was something.
Maybe I’m over-dramatizing things. I could be. But the truth is that things have changed a lot over the past few months. I can read blog posts from current racers without pangs of jealousy, I don’t have these long internal debates with myself about whether or not I should keep pursuing the race, and I’m finally okay with the fact that I feel kind of neutral about the race right now. (Sidebar: I am still planning on going – more on this in a later post.)
And I’m finally starting to reach the point where I can really be part of my new squad without feeling a gap where my old one used to be.
So, I Squad,
I hope you love Thailand, and that you have amazing ministry experiences, as well as a few funny stories here and there. I’ll look forward to reading about both.
But for the first time, I don’t wish I was with you. And I mean that in good way.
