It’s September, the month that I had been looking forward to literally all year. Now that plans have changed and I’m watching all of my squadmates get ready for launch, it’s lost some of its luster.
I’m doing okay for the most part, I really am, especially now that the majority of the pieces for my July launch are in place and it’s just a waiting game now. However, I’m not going to pretend that I’ve completely forgotten my squad, my old route, or how I imagined this upcoming year was going to be. It’s so easy to look at all of them and think, “If a few things had gone a little differently, this could be me.”
And it’s true. Regardless of whether or not I could have changed anything, I was very close to being able to leave with the rest of my squad in just a few days. I can pinpoint the events and reasons that resulted in me being sent home from training camp, and to be honest I wish I couldn’t, because that means I have the ability to re-live them in my head and think about how I could have handled things better.
But doing that doesn’t help anybody, especially me.
So as I see all of my squadmates pack their bags, say goodbye to friends and family, and travel to Atlanta for launch, my plans for this week look a little different. I’m spending a month in Guatemala They’re going to eleven countries over eleven months. I’m planning the best way to get from my arrival gate to a coffee shop to the international terminal during my layover. (You think I’m kidding but I’m actually making a strategy. The good places are in Concourse D.) Did I mention that my layover is in Atlanta? I’ll spend an hour in the airport I would have come to for launch, knowing that my squadmates are a few blocks away. My timing here isn’t exactly the greatest.
Don’t get me wrong: I’m very much looking forward to Guatemala. How lucky am I to get to spend a month in one of my favorite places on planet earth? I still keep looking at my Delta app and my email confirmations to remind myself that it’s real, and I probably won’t feel that way until my plane lands and suddenly everyone speaks Spanish. I get to keep learning another language, meet new friends in Antigua, and reunite with some old friends at Hogar Mama Carmen in Guatemala City – I know it’ll be good for me to get away for a little while, while simultaneously doing something that I’ve wanted to do for a while now, but there’s still some discontent. This wasn’t the adventure I thought I was going to have this September.
With the anticipation of this trip and my squadmates’ launch drawing closer, a few other emotions have come out from wherever they’ve been hiding and decided to overstay their welcome. They’re similar to the ones I experienced after I let training camp; as I wrote in a past post:
“This deep, resounding ache in my chest that feels like someone has a deathgrip on my heart and won’t let go. The sinking feeling in my stomach that makes we want to climb into bed and never leave. The fatigue that I have to push through just to sit up straight.”
It’s not nearly as bad as it was, but I can still recognize these mental symptoms. Every time I see a squadmate share a blog post about how close launch is, it stings. I want to be on that plane to Panama with them so badly, but it’s just not possible.
(*Puts head on desk and lets out frustrated moose noise because I have no idea how to express said moose noise in English*)
I’m torn. I have every intention to be “all in” while I’m in Guatemala, and I have the feeling that the cultural immersion and places to explore will make it easy for me to do that. And I know that I have to return to “real life” when my month in Antigua is over. I lost count of the number of times a friend has told me that this year was going to be one of growth and learning – I don’t think that even they knew how true it was going to be.
Let’s go. Vamanos. I’m headed for Guatemala on Sunday and it’s time for an adventure. Want to follow along with this trip? Visit my other blog to stay connected: sarahmichel.wordpress.com
