I’ve always equated courage with saying “Yes.” To stand in the face of something intimidating or difficult, and to say “Yes, I will do this. I will move forward. I will face what’s ahead.”
This certainly isn’t a lie, but it isn’t the complete truth either. The problem lies in the dichotomy unitentionally drawn: if “yes” means courage, than “no” means cowardice. That you run away, that you hesitate, that you don’t do the “brave” thing you were supposed to.
A year ago I did something unprecedented. I was days away from student teaching, about to start the next semester in a classroom finishing the last requirements of my music education degree. I was afraid to student teach, I didn’t think I was ready, and I knew that I didn’t want to be a teacher anyway, so I stood in the face of this terrifying upcoming semester and did one of the bravest things I’ve ever done.
I said no.
That’s right. I don’t have any triumphant story about student teaching, because there was no student teaching. In one of the most eventful days of my college career up until that point, I dropped the education segment of my degree and withdrew from student teaching. Did I mention that this was approximately 72 hours before I was supposed to begin? I’ve always been a little bit of a procrastinator (okay, more than a little bit) but this was pushing the limits.
In the moment, I was euphoric – I had finally taken control of what I wanted, made a bold move, and fell asleep that night feeling confident I had made the right decision.
And then I woke up.
Panic set in the moment I opened my eyes. I was second-guessing my decision and convinced that I had derailed my future. My mind was going a mile a minute and I had no idea what I was going to do. The events of the previous day – deciding to change my major, switching my classes, and getting all of the required signatures – didn’t even seem real.
Thankfully, I was in the right place at the right time and ran into a friend on my way to the bathroom. She listened as I did my best to explain my situation, let me cry on her shoulder, and sat with me in her dorm room while I got my head together and figured some things out. I made it through the day, but for the next few months, waves of fear would come over me when I least expected them. I knew that I had made the “right” decision, but panic would still strike.
Why? Well, first of all, I had turned my back on something that I had been working towards since I was a sophomore in high school. Six years, two dozen college credits, and countless practice and observation hours were all for nothing. I was now traveling through unfamiliar territory and finally admitted I had no idea what I wanted to do after college.
The second factor in this: I was ashamed that I had run away from student teaching instead of standing my ground and facing this daunting semester. Hundreds of education majors had gone before me and they had all survived. Why couldn’t I? In my own mind I was a coward and a failure. My insecurity took over and followed me around throughout the entire fall semester.
But as I look back a year later, I can say with confidence that dropping the education major was perhaps the bravest thing I’ve ever done. Sure, I backed down and said no to student teaching, but here’s the thing: saying no to this one thing meant saying yes to countless others.
I said yes to admitting that I didn’t have it all together.
I said yes to opportunities that came my way throughout the rest of the year.
I said yes to doing what I knew was right for me, even when it didn’t make sense to everyone else.
I said yes to trusting God with my future.
If that isn’t courage, I don’t know what is. One, resounding, firm “no” changed the trajectory of my life in a way I never expected, but that change opened so many doors that I wouldn’t trade for the world.
