Hey ya’ll?? Ready for some more details from Training Camp? Well, I hope so, because I’ve got plenty more to come.
How about that topic that’s so widely ignored… grief? In today’s society, especially in the United States, we try to create a pain free culture; acting like we’ve never had any devastating losses. We medicate, we put on a front, and we ignore. As a culture, we’re so good at pretending like nothing is wrong.
This method is dangerously unhealthy, so unrealistic. Rob Reimer used the perfect example: unprocessed grief is like a beach ball being held under water. You can hold it down, but eventually it will pop up somewhere else. You can only bottle up your grief for so long before it appears in other areas of your life; in the form of anger, impatience, anxiety, panic, depression, or a number of other negative emotions. By not processing grief we develop a hardened heart, we’re robed of our joy, and, without knowing, we begin to distrust God. In order to avoid these detrimental emotions, we must properly grieve BOTH major and minor losses in our lives. Everyone has them.
Well, after Rob’s lesson on grief we had the opportunity to divide into smaller groups and discuss some of the bottled up grief in our lives. This was maybe the second day of training camp, and as I mentioned in the initial Training Camp blog, one of the hardest aspects of this week was meeting a group of 40 strangers, and being completely vulnerable, honest, and open with them from the start. With that said, you can assume that sitting in a circle and feeling the pressure to discuss these major losses in my life with people I had never met before was not naturally easy for me.
But, I was willing to take the challenge. We each began sharing our stories, different things that had happened in our lives. I was the last to go. I hesitated for a long time, but my group waited, patiently, until I was ready. I told them, “I know there is something in my life I need to grieve, but I honestly have no idea what.” As soon as I said this, Jenna (who I had been talking to the day before) said, “Yeah, there is something. You were telling me about it yesterday.” As soon as she said that, it slapped me in the face.
For years, and years, and years, I’ve been grieving the loss of a united family. I’ve never spent a lot of time dwelling on it, never spent a lot of time talking about it, didn’t think about how it has truly affected me. Why? Because I’ve always compared my situation to other people, and I’ve convinced myself that I have nothing to complain about. Yes, my parents are divorced, but they both love me. Yes, they fight, but they fight OVER me instead of fighting to get rid of me. Yes, they live in separate homes, but they live 5 minutes from each other so I regularly see them when I’m home. Yes, I moved weekly, but they live close to each other so I never moved far
I’ve been lying to myself; pretending like the divorce hasn’t had an impact on my life. I’ve never truly grieved the loss of a united family. Deep down, I’ve always been jealous of kids who’ve grown up with their entire family together on Christmas morning; with everyone sitting around the dinner table for Thanksgiving; enjoying family vacations at the beach in the summers. My heart has always yearned for something as simple as having the entire family together for birthday dinners, family reunions, and graduation parties.
These are things I’ve always known deep down, but I tried to act like they didn’t exist. I’d downplay my parent’s divorce, and act like it was nothing. Why?… because I have never wanted anyone to think poorly of my mom or dad. In fact, writing this blog for the world to read is difficult because my parents don’t deserve that reputation. I don’t hold their divorce against them. I don’t blame them for the loss of a united family. They are beautifully flawed individuals. They didn’t get married with the intentions of divorce, but it happened, and they have taken what life has thrown at them. They have been two of the strongest, hardworking, dedicated, loving, supportive, genuine parents, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. I wouldn’t even trade their divorce if it meant losing them as parents.
Even then, it’s still time for me to stop denying the fact that it HAS impacted my life. There is no shame in admitting this. Thank you, Training Camp, for showing me this reality. Showing me that, yes, it is okay to grieve the loss of a united family, and yes, it is WORTHY of grieving over. Thank you, Training Camp, for pushing me out of my comfort zone. Pushing me to be open and vulnerable with a beautiful group of individuals.
Talking about my parent’s divorce with this group of people that I hardly knew was terrifying. I had never verbalized these realities to anyone before, and there I was, debating on sharing them in front of strangers? Yes, it was terrifying… but it was also surprisingly freeing. It felt so good to be in a community where I could freely express myself, cry shamelessly, and share insecurities… all without judgment.
Immediately after having this conversation with my group, I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. As if the Lord had just knocked a huge brick wall down; a wall I’ve been building for quite some time and didn’t even realize it.
What kind of losses have not been fully processed in your life… both big and small? What kind of walls have you built; walls that are not only keeping you from other people, but also from your Healer. What needs to be grieved? Don’t continue to hide it, medicate it, or ignore it. I encourage you to find someone who you feel safe enough to be completely vulnerable with. Don’t let your unprocessed grief rob you of your joy in life.
God will meet you where you are, right at the center of your grief.
