How can it be called repentance for sins, however great the mortification of the flesh, if the mind still retains the will to sin and is on fire with its old desires? It is easy enough for anyone to…[exhibit an] outwards show of penance, but it is very difficult to tear the heart away from hankering after its dearest pleasures…Whenever I turn, they are always there before my eyes, bringing with them awakened longings and fantasies which will not even let me sleep.
– Heloise (A Nun in 11th century)
How long will you go limping between two different opinions? – 1 Kings 18:21
“I” Takes On “Me”
I was practically born Christian. The reality of my sin hit me hard at the young age of eleven. Not that I was afraid of hell or punishment, but I felt that there was something deeply wrong inside of me, a will to trouble that scared me. I was baptized a few years later, marking my official entrance into the Christian life. It also marked a growing awareness of my biggest problem: “me.”
It all gets very confusing. “I” loves the LORD and made a decision to do good. “Me”, however, is self-preservationist and a pleasure-seeker. When life gets hard, Me turns up providing all kinds of compromising advice. Me loves an easy road. Me turns I into a hypocrite.
Paul wrestles with this problem in Romans 7: I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing that I hate….Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?
I hoped the World Race would help me sort out some of this conflict. What I learned, however, was Me was much more selfish than I’d thought before. Nothing destroys your pride like being among some of the world’s poorest most desperately needy people and STILL feeling the familiar desire to look out for No. 1.
Every day is a desperate struggle between I and Me. It never really ends. Me is a resilient bugger. You can’t lay aside your flesh as you can an old t-shirt. But you can learned to live with the situation.
First, I‘ve learned to admit my flaws. This is like letting light into a dark room. We might be tempted to let the musty old dark corners sit as they are and just go around them. But by recognizing them we start the process of healing and cleansing. This is confession. This lets Jesus inside.
Secondly, “I” had to forgive “me.” It’s only way to go forward. Perseverating over the past accomplished nothing. Recognize the sin, ask for forgiveness, make life changes, and then let Jesus take the shame and guilt. It’s what Christ died for. This is the purpose of grace.
Lastly, this process of redemption is mysterious. It takes time and it’s not linear. No matter how much time you spend out on the ocean, the best thing to keep you alive is a healthy respect for the unknown. Paul new he was desperately needy and that only God could heal the brokenness in his soul, how it worked or in what time frame, that part was mysterious. He just kept going forward, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus (Philippians 3:14).
May God bless your journey though the trials and the pain. May His grace give you rest and peace. May you find freedom from “me” and redemption by the blood of Christ.
Blessings,
Zach
