First, a few brief disclaimers:
God has blessed me and I don’t deserve any of it. I’ve always felt safe, protected, loved, encouraged and guided. I’ve never had to go through anything difficult by myself or had much to worry about.
What I’m trying to say is that I really don’t have much to complain about. That being said, this past year has been hard. I see now that the enemy was at work.
This year, like never before, I felt harried by something. At night, all the worst memories of my life would keep me awake. I would recall every regretful thing I had done or said in my life. I asked myself the same questions over and over again. Why hadn’t I said this? Why hadn’t I done that?
It was terrible. Some nights I was reduced to tears.
One restlessness night a few months ago, in my basement room, I wrote a poem.
Seaside waves and leafy winds
ever blowing, always lapping,
sometimes strongly, always faintly.
Such debris ever against
that throbbing, fleshy heart
of mine.
I felt like a cliff next to the ocean, slowly crumbling under a persistent attack of little waves that I could do nothing against.
And, let me tell you, I wanted out. I’d had enough. I wanted peace and I wanted to rest. But I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t share my thoughts with anybody. Each morning I tucked them away. Every night they returned.
I was being set up, though I didn’t know it. My enemy was preparing for a takedown.
But praise be to God! I was saved!!!
Here’s what happened…
On the third day of camp I prayed to the LORD, asking him to reveal any indwelling lies in my heart. Satan tends to wheedle into the heart in this way. We learn to value ourselves based on performance, or popularity. This is like building your house on the sand; all it takes is a little wave or a little wind to demolish your feelings of safety and security.
So I prayed, “God, are there any lies within me?”
(To Be Continued)…
