So I prayed, “God are there any lies within me?”
Before I go on, I’d like to recall a few of David’s words in Psalm 139:
“O LORD, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O LORD, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.”
God does so much more than just listen to us. He KNOWS us. Praise his name! He watches over us and guards our path. We cannot stray from him. If we truly desire closeness with God we shall surely be satisfied.
I waited a few minutes. Suddenly, two very old traumatic memories came to mind, followed by a recent memory from just a few months ago.
And I immediately understood.
I knew that I was afraid of rejection. This is the lie I had grown to believe: “Zach, nobody really cares about you.”
This insecurity had taken root in my heart. And each night my enemy brought to mind all the memories and events in my lift that made it seem like truth. “See, Zach? No wonder people don’t like you.”
Accordingly, I had been living each day in fear of rejection, and at night I wallowed in the past. My insecurity was growing stronger.
But God was ready to take it all away.
The moment I realized all these things I felt free, very free. Knowledge is very powerful. I was finally able to look my enemy in the eye.
But God was willing to do one thing more…
That night I was tired in every way, and ready for alone time. However, I found myself back in the main hall learning all about Listening. When we pray, God listens to us, and he speaks back, but we have to listen.
So, I bowed my head again and prayed, “Alright Lord, I’m listening.”
And would you know it, the Lord God showed up in the form of a vision:
I was standing at the door of my house, calling out to God. “God! Where are you? Come to me! I’ve been waiting so long!”
Soon I could see the Lord in the distance, he was coming through the clouds on a chariot. Jesus was piloting the chariot and he was dressed in armor. He pulled up in front of my house, walked down the path, through my door, into my living room and we sat down.
He said “Zach, what do you want?”
And I told him, “Lord I just want to help.”
So he said “Okay lets go to your basement.”
So we stood up and walked down a flight of stairs to a pretty normal basement that contained nothing except a file cabinet. He opened the top and said “Zach, what are these.”
In the top drawer were all the painful memories, regrets, sins and past events that I’d spent so much of the past year thinking about. I didn’t know what tell him, what do you do with memories. Can you just forget?
I said, “I don’t’ know.”
He took them in his hands. Walked up the stairs, out the door and drove away.
At this point I knew the vision was done. I lifted up my head and did what I always do, I began to question the whole thing. What just happened?
Regardless, since that night I have not remembered a single thing from my past that I had previously desired so strongly to change. I couldn’t remember any mistakes I’d made. I forgot discouraging words that the enemy had whispered in my ear.
I was totally and completely free from the past. And I felt such PEACE. I felt PEACE like I’ve never had before in my life. My image was totally restored. I looked at myself and didn’t see fear and failure. I understood that my value could never be tied to anything I would ever say or do. Nothing I can do will make me more or less important to Christ.
For the first time in my life, I’d completely surrendered my whole identity to him. Because Christ had looked upon me before I’d yet been born and said, “I will die for that man.”
Remember my poem? How I felt attacked by an ocean of power? Here’s the next part I wrote that night in August. I trusted the Lord would answer me.
Hope comes, wingéd bird,
born aloft oceanic waves,
gloomy airs.
Tucked within mighty trials,
peace descends.
And though storms pass,
peace remains.
Fashion now a keel
Holding course.
Or maybe, with string
and frame, a kite.
Bearing me closer still,
Creator God.
God was there the entire time. Our enemy intends to drown or knock us over, but with gentle hands God lifts us up.
This poem I wrote several months ago in response to the relentless guilt and fear troubling my heart. I didn’t know what to do with it. Now the Lord took has taken it all away. My heart is free to be who I am in Christ.
Can I tell you about my worldview? Everything on earth belongs to God, but at this moment in time war is raging. Our human struggle on earth is not for survival. Our enemy doesn’t want us dead. Our enemy wants us broken in spirit and separated from the love of God.
But there is no place you can go that will separate you from God’s love. God is eagerly waiting to reveal himself to you. Just call out to him. He will find you.
‘Where shall I go from your spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as day,
for darkness is as light with you.’ – Psalm 139.
Praise the Lord. Amen.
Blessings,
Zach
