Before I begin to tell you everything, let me tell you now that this blog won’t be edited by another person (YAY!). I’ve found that I’m such a people-pleaser, that my own words are actually seeking the approval of others. When I really need to simply say what’s on my mind.
I launched on the World Race in July, 2014. And lemme tell you that trip was nothing at all like I would expect it – in a negative way, tbh. And I would love to tell you exactly how difficult it was. But many people who traveled with me have gotten their knickers in quite a twist; to the point where it scares me when I speak openly (and truthfully) about my personal take on why that trip sucked so hard. Was that rude? Yes. But I’m tired of people avoiding the truth.
Which is why I’m speaking.
The trip woke me up. It showed me that I was walking in the basking sun of apathy for my personal care. And that lack of personal care included my physical body, emotional self, and spiritual side. Which in turn was affecting every relationship in my life including Jesus’. I then decided that I need some discipline. NOT discipleship. Partly because I had no idea what discipleship meant. I mean, when I began the Race I was under the impression that everyone older than me would be more mature and wiser.
I believe that the term, ‘age is wisdom‘ was made up by older generations so that they wouldn’t be forgotten. While that is sad, that is inaccurate. Have you applied your lifes experiences to your personal growth? No? Then it is highly likely that I will not respect your so called, ‘wisdom.’
I needed people who can teach me to be like Jesus, not defenders of Jesus.
In September of 2015, I joined the Adventures discipleship program (CGA). Part of me went for that discipline that I desired. But another part of me went to see if the leaders of this organization were as humble as the brochures spoke of. And I was astounded to learn that after everything my squad spoke of about the leadership, they were wrong. These people were simply taking tools from the Bible and fervently trying to be as close to the Lord as they could.
Adventures has faults as everyone does. If you are a human and you can’t tell me that you have flaws, then you are as deceiving as Lucifer. Too far? No, it really isn’t. You’re trying to crucify people for their faults when Jesus already was bloodied and hurt from every single sin that man deemed necessary.
Vulnerability.
I don’t trust people to make decisions for me. I don’t communicate with people when I know I’m in the wrong. I will avoid confrontation until the sun burns out. I choose to eat what is easy versus what is healthy. I sometimes follow Dumbledore’s ‘greater good‘ motto. I am afraid of hurting others so much that I will hurt myself to ensure they will walk in joy (no, this isn’t prideful to speak this). If you wait to find someone on this earth who is flawless, to follow them as their leader, then you will die as a bitter and pessimistic human.
My time learning from these people in the AIM office has been a treasure that I didn’t know I needed. I’m not going to go into all of the reasons why because it will all sound incredibly cliche. But I’m overjoyed with all of the tools that these people have given me.
I then decided to be an Alumni Squad Leader for some reason. It came mostly from the leadership portion of the discipleship program. During that time, I found the leader in my character. I once believed that side of my character was chewed up so bad by others that I would never have the confidence to lead again. And moving towards the launch point, I still didn’t have the confidence. But I learned that I needed to do this. I needed to move on from the difficulties and failures of my previous squad.
I was being blindly obedient and it paid off.
Squad leading was difficult. And I wasn’t perfect at all at it. But I know I did what I was supposed to do. After I finished, I had plans to start a new community in Portland, Oregon. But many other things happened there which, if spoken, would put more knickers in twists. So what happened next? I went back to Gainesville again. Where Adventures was.
I had reasons to be around the people who have always loved me while I sought out some much needed healing. But I had to question my motives to come back to Gainesville. It’s pretty obvious that I do not like the South. I had no job prospects. There was no blood family there. I’ve even been pretty open about how much I despise others who fall back on Adventures for security.
And I learned that I was doing the same thing.
Adventures In Missions was the organization that I used to open my eyes to the reality of the world. They lead me on my first international missions trip where I let go of every comfort to simply be the church. The leaders on that trip showed me all of my open wounds that I still haven’t touched because I was too scared to confront them. But more importantly, they showed me that I can somehow walk in security as a broken man. I was on the high of learning about myself so much that I chose to move my entire life to Georgia.
I was fearful of that because I realized that I was looking at Adventures as a sanctuary.
In a lot of ways, it is. I swear, if anyone dares to tell me that AIM is a cult, I will throw a candle through your window – I don’t care where you are. Let me process. These people here have simply grown. And it’s reassuring that I’m not alone in this. That there are others who want to be a better version of themselves to bring about the Kingdom in ways that the world is entirely too frightened of.
Now that sounded cultish.
My meaning is that, Adventures has embraced transparency in their daily life. They are open with their faults and what they want to tackle. They don’t pretend that they can do everything by themselves. They question the why instead of the how in the church. I’ve been so sick of being around unorganic people who only confide in their spouses or no one at all. It’s been a breath (or several million) of fresh air to be around people who just be.
Be sons and daughters.
And it’s come as a shock that I feel a desire to leave. I’ve always prided myself on my independence. But I’ve grown so damn much in the way that I have chosen to rely on others. Finally! I think that my independence and my dependence has finally found its balance. I’m ready to show others what I’ve learned. I’m done walking with my crutches. The next step for me is to move on and create my own community.
I am afraid. I will not lie. But I have grieved. Grieved being with Adventures. Grieved being an international missionary. Grieved the family that I made from Gainesville. But I can do this. For the first time in my life I can say that I am not running away from my problems. Because this organization taught me how to accept the fact that crap happens. But you can still live.
I’m ready to live. Thank you for everything, Adventures.
