Here is my story from this year.
Lemme tell you that I am a weak, weak, man.
This isn’t me saying I’m depressed, it means that I’m stating a fact about myself. I mean, it’s pretty common for us as humans to hide our weaknesses. Where’s the attraction in that? To be at peak condition physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually is what we all want. But the reality is that we will never be at peak condition.
I’ve accepted a long time ago that I can never be perfect, and yet there’s that itch that makes me continue to try harder.
Something that is painfully obvious is that this year has been one of the hardest years of my entire life. There seems to be a never ending line of trash that has been dumped on me. And I’m at this point where I’m so tired that I don’t even try and avoid it anymore. I just lie there in the rubble, hoping beyond reason that a savior will show up and lift me out of this abyss.
Before you go on about the hope of Jesus Christ the savior, optimism, and giving me the truths and encouragements that I am aware of, listen to my feelings because they need to be spoken.
The three most common words of truth that have been spoken over me is warrior, survivor, and adaptable. And those three words have been the most annoying, diminishing, and just plain irritating words that have been given to me. It’s pretty counterintuitive for me to think that way because those words seem pretty badass. But can you stop and look at the hardship which creates those three words? In order for me to be a warrior, I must practice battling something/someone with difficulty. In order for me to be a survivor, there must be an element which consistently tries to kill me. In order for me to be adaptable, I can not have constant stability in my life.
Now, how attractive do those words look to you?
For the first time in my life, those words do not hold any weight with me. I feel like I can’t accomplish anything because of the pain that has been overtaking me. And the signature of this pain is from multiple different little sources (except for one big source). It’s as though every little detail that can go wrong, is. The big thing that went wrong recently was the passing of my good friend, Stephan. He was a lil’ freshman in High School when I met him during my senior year. And since then, I never stopped looking at him as my little brother. He is without a doubt, one of the most special humans I’ve ever met.
But before this recent turmoil, I’ve been walking in self-deprecation since my final month of being a squad leader. One could look at this timeline and believe that it was this squad who made me this way. But it was in fact the role of being a leader that made me aware of my personal weaknesses which began this difficult road. And do you know what was the biggest weakness that the Lord showed me?
I love people here on this earth far more than I do the Father who has given me everything.
It wasn’t just that I love people more. It was the fact that I was consistently listening to people instead of God. For those who don’t believe in a higher power, this might look like a complete act of submissiveness. But to me, He is the one who knows me better than anyone around me ever could. And I gave the naive excuse that the Lord was only speaking through my friends and family so I didn’t waste my time asking for the Lord’s opinions on my life.
When my two greatest friends asked me to move to Portland with them, I didn’t hesitate. In the back of my head, it was always a desire of mine to live there for the rest of my life. But I jumped into it without asking the Lord if this is what was the best scenario for my next season of life. Immediately after I arrived, every door was shutting. Jobs, relationships, housing, everything. The place where I wanted to live forever became my worst nightmare and I fought tooth and nail to repel that. I wanted to show the Lord that I am willing to fight for this place.
Eventually I couldn’t take the heat anymore. Me, the kid who had to grow up years earlier than every single one his peers has given up in his dream city. But you see, the moment that I looked at moving to the place where I thought I was done with, every door opened for me. I had a job, a set of roommates, and a community. Isn’t that such a sweet ending?
Well, I currently believe that the Lord planted all of those illusions in front of me just to simply get me out of the place where His perfect plan couldn’t be executed.
Right now I am back in Gainesville and I do not have a job, I am living with a completely different set of roommates, and I am pushing my community away from me. Let me tell you, it’s been beyond irritating that it takes 7 screenshots to show all of the jobs I’ve applied for only on ‘Indeed.’ That doesn’t count the government applications, walk in interviews, and under the table jobs that I’ve tried to work for. Moving on from my angst, I’ve had to continue to ask people for finances. I wasn’t even a missionary anymore and I needed help to live.
One of my greatest weaknesses in my personality type (ISFJ) is that I do not communicate with my loved ones when I’m unhealthy. We (ISFJ’s) don’t like it when the people in our lives are in pain. We like to be the ones who take care of people – not the other way around. So, like a typical ISFJ, I kept most of my pain away from my loved ones. I stopped texting back or calling because I’m someone who wants to walk in honesty. I couldn’t have lied to my people. To tell them that I was in pain and I need you to stay back just in case you catch my infection of hopelessness.
But in that, I completely forgot about humility.
I didn’t allow myself to show the real pain I was in. In my pursuit of honesty, I lied to everyone around me that I was hurting. Isn’t that incredibly ironic? To pursue honesty, I’ve lost it. I’ve been filled with hopelessness these past several months. After every job interview, my roommates would ask me how I feel. And I would tell them the same thing: “I feel good! But I wouldn’t be surprised if i didn’t get it.” To be honest, I have no idea as to what steps it will take for me to find that joy and hope again.
Right now, in this present moment, I don’t feel like a warrior, survivor, or adaptable. But that’s simply because I’m still walking through this dump. Who could call themselves any of those words when they have yet to win a single battle? But I have to believe, and to hope, that I am beginning to see where the Lord is taking me. That his plan wasn’t in Portland, maybe not even Gainesville, but that his plan is in me.
Thank you for allowing me to divulge my emotions to you. This blog wasn’t to beg for mercy, to ask you for money, or any other expectation. It was just so I could communicate where I’m at. To share what junk I kept stored away and hopefully use this platform to begin my journey for gold. Thank you again.
Here’s to humility, winning the war, and to never losing hope.
“God, your God, will restore everything you lost; he’ll have compassion on you; he’ll come back + pick up the pieces from all the places where you were scattered. No matter how far away you end up, God, your God, will get you out of there and bring you back to the land your ancestors once possessed. It will be yours again. He will give you a good life + make you more numerous than your ancestors.
God, your God, will cut away the thick calluses on your heart + your childrens hearts, freeing you to love God, your God, with your whole heart + soul + live, really live. God, your God, will put all these curses on your enemies who hated you and were out to get you. And you will make a new start, listening obediently to God, keeping all his commandments that I’m commanding you today. God, your God, will outdo himself in making things go well for you: you’ll have babies, get calves, grow crops, and enjoy an all-around good life. Yes, God will start enjoying you again, making things go well for you just as he enjoyed doing it for your ancestors.
But only if you listen obediently to God, your God, and keep the commandments + regulations written in this Book of Revelation. Nothing halfhearted here; you must return to God, your God, totally, heart + soul, holding nothing back. This commandment that I’m commanding you today isn’t too much for you, it’s not out of your reach. It’s not on a high mountain – you don’t have to get mountaineers to climb the peak + bring it down to your level + explain it before you can live it. And it’s not across the ocean – you don’t have to send sailors out to get it, bring it back, and then explain it before you can live it.
No. The word is right here and now – as near as the tongue in your mouth, as near as the heart in your chest.”
– Deuteronomy 30:3-14
