When I was growing up I believed that I was supposed to be self-sufficient as much as possible. You took care of yourself and expected other people to do the same. You helped people whenever you could, but you didn't want to impose on other people because then you'd have a debt.
Our family had people in their lives who held it over their head for decades that they had helped us when we were dirt poor. Even after we gave back above and beyond what we received, there was a sense that they still felt like we owed them. We were taught not to be like that when we helped, but we also didn't like to receive help because we didn't like having these things hang over us.
I unfortunately related to my parents that way for many years. My parents did so much for me, but all that meant was that I now owed them. I didn’t feel glad for all that I had, I felt burdened.
And Jesus? Well I owed Him most of all. So for Him, I tried to be good and do good. Trying to pay Him back. Only it was never enough. Around Him I felt the guiltiest of all.
I've been giving that way of life up.
These past few months, I'm starting to realize how indebted I am to everyone around me. I see people who at great personal sacrifice chose to move to San Francisco, to plant the church I now call home. They made themselves poor, that I might be rich. I think of all the people who cover me in prayer so faithfully, of those who are committing to pray while I'm on the World Race. I think of the people who helped me pull off the information night last Friday, who donated to the silent auction or have given financially. I think of my mom and brother who does so much on my behalf of all my teachers and friends who showed me and embodied for me the way of Jesus. I'm starting to see that I can't pay them all back and learning to not let that be a reason to deny myself their care.
Instead with a grateful heart, I can only say a heartfelt thank you, and go forward trying to honor their sacrifices by living life in a way that is worthy of all that they have done for me.
And I've been seeing now, that's how it is to be with me and Jesus. No more guilt. Just a heart over-flowing with gratitude and love.
