“Come this way” I hear as I enter into the area of the Taj. “There is something I want you to see.” I wasn’t sure where I was headed but I knew it was off the beaten path, hidden away from the hundreds of eyes of the tourists that were there.
The Taj Mahal does live up to its beauty. I honestly wrestled with it all and if I should really go see it, after all it is just another building. But as I was walking through something kept stirring up inside of me and again kept hearing “there is something I want to show you.”
The Taj was built for Shah Jahan to house the tomb of his favorite wife, Mumtaz Mahal and took 20 years to build. As I was getting closer to the entrance to the Taj the thought came into my mind “I make the same thing in you, but far more beautiful and grand. For if a man was willing to do this for his wife, how much more am I willing to do for you?”
Last month in Sri Lanka Sara and I went to each team talking about the journey of confession or rather the journey home, as we started to call it. With the last team we were with it all came to a culmination for me where the Lord had lead me to Nehemiah and the re-dedication and re-building of the temple, and He told me that’s what He was doing in me, piece by piece-intentionally, and purposefully.
About a week ago I just was feeling off, not the same. I felt alone, disregarded, and not pursued. As I sought the Lord out He asked me, “Alysa when you don’t feel pursued, alone and unknown am I enough? Do my words fill you the same way that those around you do? Does my embrace not satisfy? Does my love not sustain you fully? Why am I not enough and valued in your eyes?” I was confused as to why He was asking me these questions. “But of course” I said back, “you always have been more than enough.”
I paused, because I realized that was defensive answer, so I decided to ask what He was getting at. “Beloved, If I am truly enough would you be willing to sacrifice the desire you have for marriage and family and be okay with being alone the rest of your life? To sacrifice your dreams to me, even if they didn’t happen, would I still be enough? “ I had to ask…
Immediately inside I felt this fear and the honest “no” come up in me. It’s a weird sensation to feel when you know that He is enough and yet something is stopping you from giving Him truly everything and not knowing what is to come. No I didn’t want to sacrifice those thing to Him, that desire had been something He had been growing in me for the past few years and unashamedly I do desire to have a family and be married. The ability to risk dreaming and thinking of what could be and to start pursuing those things, have been a work in progress too, I finally feel comfortable to dream wild and risky dreams. So, why now? and why isn’t God truthfully enough?”
With that in mind, here I was at the Taj Mahal. A beautiful building made to house Shaha’s favorite wife. As I was walking around it all seeing and observing the intricate decorations, that at the same time were so simple. The gold and marble that reflected and showed purity. As I went into the tomb area, I broke down crying, because here I was in the middle of a beautiful place yet it felt hollow, empty. And it hit me, that’s the state of my heart, it felt hallow, not fully alive to Christ. What the Lord was showing me in that moment, was that since I chose to accept Christ He has been building a beautiful temple for us to reside and it’s been an ongoing construction project for 20 years…
In that moment someone did a small chant to demonstrate the way everything echos and immediately a song came to my heart and I couldn’t contain it, I closed my eyes and sang:
I’ll set you as a seal upon my heart, as a seal upon my arms
For there is love, that is strong as death
Jealousy demanding as the grave
And many waters cannot quench this love
You won’t relent until you have it all
My heart is yours, my heart is yours.
It echoed off the walls, I didn’t notice who was around me, it was as if Jesus was just right before me and I was singing to Him, because this was my dedication, this was me saying to Jesus “you have all of me.” When I did open my eyes, people were still, staring at me. In that moment Papa whispered “keep moving, I have something to show you.” So, as if everything was normal I continued on, but I know that that place won’t be the same, just as I won’t be, for there is resurrection in these veins and in that tomb space.
I walked outside and as I stepped out into the light of the morning son, God showed me how He was revealing how He was wanting to re-dedicate my heart to Him fully alive and fully His, with nothing in the way. How even though I have surrendered my life to Him I was still holding onto things that needed to be His. For as I looked around at the people that were taking photos, talking with tour guides, they were all missing it, just as I had been missing it, and I don’t want to miss it any more. Because I walked out of the tomb dead but I’ve come out alive in Christ.
“Set me as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave.
It flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the LORD.
Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it.
If a man offered for love all the wealth of his house he would be utterly despised.”
-Song of Solomon 8:6-7-
