The concept of following the Holy Spirit is one that is very difficult for me. I am somebody that is very logical and reasoned in my decisions. I make spreadsheets for everything as well as pro/con lists. I weigh out my options and make the most logical decision. The problem is, the Holy Spirit does not always operate under my logic. This was very evident with the calling to go on a mission trip.
I felt a distinct calling to go, and initially I thought that it was fantastic, but as I began thinking about it a little more if just did not make sense to me. Michael and I had only been in our house for a year. I have a good job that I did not really want to leave. We have our dogs. I love to travel, but the places we might go on a mission trip were not exactly tourist destinations, and certainly not on my bucket list (yes, I have one in spreadsheet form). And on top of that Michael wasn't exactly excited about the idea of dropping everything and leaving either. It really did not make sense to me that if I had a calling to do something that my husband would not get the same one.
So I brushed it off for a little while, but deep inside of me there was a nagging feeling that God wanted more from me. I just felt like there was something else I needed to do. So, of course, I chose to do the most reasonable thing at the time. We signed up for a 1 week mission trip to Haiti over Michael's spring break. We both loved the experience, and although we decided that we did not really want to work in the medical side of things, we knew we wanted to do something. So we began researching and found the worldrace. It seemed like a good option since we couldn't really decide what exactly we wanted to do or where we wanted to do it.
But then life happened. Michael's school situation changed and a good career opportunity came up. This kind of opportunity does not come about very often, so we had to really consider it. He took the opportunity and although I felt like it was the right move I was really torn by it. I had begun making peace with the fact that maybe I misunderstood my call. About 1 month after Michael said yes to this job it ended up falling through. When he called me that morning to tell me about it, I almost feel guilty saying that what I felt was relief and excitement. Yet despite that immediate feeling I soon went into finding career solutions for Michael.
In the end, Michael did a lot of searching, and could not find anything that was close to what he wanted to do. And I had a talk with him about what it was that I was feeling called to do. This time around he was immediately on board. We both felt that we were suppose to do the worldrace, so we started slowly proceeding with the application process. Now that we have officially been accepted and we are committed to this trip I can't help but think one thing. Man, it would have been way easier if I had just followed to begin with.
In the end God was able to reach us and pull us the way He wanted us to go. I have come to grips with the fact that this seem crazy, illogical, maybe a little stupid. But in the end I know that God's reasoning is far better than my own. And when it comes right down to it, when God wants something from you, it will happen eventually, it is just a matter of painful it will be getting there. My hope is that this will be a lasting lesson, and I will grow in my ability to trust, even if I don't understand. As for now as I am talking to people about what it is that we plan to do I usually explain the premise and say, “I know, it's crazy isn't it? But when God tells you to go, you go.”
