This is an excerpt from a journal entry I wrote just a couple of days ago.
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"I am weak. I am so weak. I truly know what Paul meant when he said he does what he hates and can't do what he longs to. The spirit really is willing, but the flesh is so detestably weak.
I long to overcome my codependency, because what is codependency other than a misplaced identity? It is me finding my worth and identity in relationships with people instead of in my relationship with my heavenly father. That's why I'm somewhat of a people pleaser, and that's why I find it so hard to tell people no. I'm overly concerned with what all the smelly sheep think and say, and far too unconcerned with what the Shepherd says. What's worse, not knowing and being stuck there or knowing and being so weak that changing it seems like an insurmountable wall? But hey, I know that God is in the business of lifting his people up over their insurmountable walls and into freedom, but I just wish I knew how to practice this. I mean, I know, I know, give God more control. But how? I'm scared. I'm scared because I don't know what to do to be delivered… Other than wait. I can't deliver myself at all. I just have to wait and pray to be delivered. Wait. Maybe that's it? Maybe he's teaching me a beautiful lesson about how helpless I am. I'm a baby in a crib, crying out to my Daddy to be picked up, delivered from this cage, lifted over the seemingly insurmountable crib walls, and lovingly embraced by an unconditionally loving father. "
I told you all a few blogs ago that stuff was about to get real. This is It. My personal time. Just me, my thoughts, my journal and the Holy Spirit. This has been a window into my heart of hearts…
…later in the same journal entry I wrote:
"I just want to thank God so much for convicting me by his Holy Spirit. Conviction is for the purpose of correction, not condemnation. The Lord wants me to correct my twisted ways, not to condemn me for them. I love him so much for that. Because he has every right to condemn me, yet he chooses correction instead. What a beautiful God I serve… beautiful beyond description. "
Don't be fooled, I haven't beaten this thing yet. But with the allies I've got, I know I will.
I just wanted to get it out there in the open for everyone to pray about and hold me accountable. I will need your help too, body of Christ–brothers and sisters.
